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Resume Absolutely Cannot Fit Onto Less Than Four Pages, Freshman Informs Adviser

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Erin H. Miller ’20, a freshman in Thayer, informed her adviser on Monday that she absolutely cannot—under any circumstances—fit her resume onto fewer than four pages.

The showdown occurred when Melissa P. Williams, a lecturer in Economics, suggested that Miller condense her resume to one page as she applies for summer internships.

Area Freshman Writes "Get a Girlfriend" Really Small on Semester To-Do List

CAMBRIDGE, MA – After meeting with his Freshman Academic Advisor who told him that goal-setting was a great way to keep track of things that are important for personal success, area freshman Andrew Carlson '20 wrote "get a girlfriend" in very small print on his semester to-do list. After careful consideration, he chose to make the almost incomprehensible etchings just big enough that he would remember to do it, but small enough that nobody would notice it if his notebook fell out of his backpack or if he opened it to the wrong page in class.
 

Ambitious Freshman Enrolls in Five Friendships for Spring Semester

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Ignoring advice from his PAF and academic adviser, Kendrick Murphy ’20 reportedly enrolled in five friendships when completing his study card on Friday.

“Shopping week was crazy. I had to leave an 11 am lunch date fifteen minutes in to make it to a lifting sesh with Chad Brockington,” remarked Murphy. “It was hard for me to narrow my list down to just five after shopping fifteen people.”

Weld Resident Suffers Senseless Eye Contact with Former Blockmate

 CAMBRIDGE, MA – At 11:43 last night, tragedy struck the Weld community when, out of nowhere, resident Alicia Cantor was assaulted by the piercing gaze of fellow freshman Abigail Bradley, who was awkwardly boxed out of Cantor’s blocking group just two weeks before. Despite her best efforts to flee the scene, Cantor remained locked in a stone-cold stare with Bradley for a full four seconds, which Cantor described as “the most painful of [her] entire life.”

Freshman Almost Convinces Herself She's Happy To Be In The Quad

CAMBRIDGE, MA -– The desirability of river houses compared to the Quad is widely recognized by Harvard students within weeks of beginning freshman year. However, despite overwhelming evidence of the Quad’s inferiority, recent investigations have found that it is possible for a delusional mindset to set in following Housing Day; some students, such as newly-minted Pforzheimer resident Eliza Elliott ’19, actually believe they are pleased to be there.

Dean Dingman: We're Going To Make OSL The Shit

Dear Harvard College Students, Faculty, and Affiliates,

Freshman Has Her Name On the Tip of His Tongue

CAMBRIDGE, MA — After unwittingly eliciting eye contact from a vaguely familiar girl across the cafeteria, local freshman Brian O'Connor descended into panic. “What on earth is her name? Was she in my international pre-orientation program?” introspected O'Connor. Maintaining a blank gaze into the semi-recognized girl’s eyes, he dove into the recesses of his memory, “Did it start with an A? Aliya? Ayesha? Ashley? It could have been a C? I think it was one of those unisex names like Cameron. But I am also pretty sure it rhymed with kale. Shit.”

TF Actually Doesn’t Know The Difference Between MLA and Chicago, Was Just Bluffing

Quietly snickering after collecting her students’ essays for Aesthetic and Interpretive Understanding 64: The Canterbury Tales, local teaching fellow Judith Klenderman told reporters Monday that she actually doesn’t know the difference between MLA and Chicago citation styles, and “couldn’t care less” which of the styles her students had chosen to use.

Class of 2019: By The Numbers, A Month Later

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- A month ago, the Crimson’s released “Class of 2019: By the Numbers.” The start of freshman year can be a turbulent time, so SatireV polled the freshman class once more to see what has changed since opening days.

Class Makeup and Admissions 

Freshman Narrowly Prevents Parents Seeing Beer-Filled Room

Jacob P. Rocha ’19 narrowly managed to avoid showing his parents his beer-filled dorm room this Parents Weekend, maintaining their belief that the 18-year-old freshman has yet to ever consume alcohol.

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