SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Freshman

New York Freshman Mistakenly Makes Non-New York Friend

CAMBRIDGE, MA – On Tuesday evening, freshmen Rachel Stein ’23 and Jessica Williams ’23 were seen studying in the Smith Campus Center when Williams let slip to Stein that she was not of New York blood. 

As Stein and Williams bonded over their LS1a pset, Williams mentioned to Stein that she was from Nebraska. Williams remembered that Stein immediately seemed to disengage from the conversation and cited a mandatory entryway event she had forgotten about. She then abruptly got up from her seat, grabbed her Pavement latté, and walked hurriedly out the door. 

New York Freshman Mistakenly Makes Non-New York Friend

CAMBRIDGE, MA – On Tuesday evening, freshmen Rachel Stein ’23 and Jessica Williams ’23 were seen studying in the Smith Campus Center when Williams let slip to Stein that she was not of New York blood.  

As Stein and Williams bonded over their LS1a pset, Williams mentioned to Stein that she was from Nebraska. Williams remembered that Stein immediately seemed to disengage from the conversation and cited a mandatory entryway event she had forgotten about. She then abruptly got up from her seat, grabbed her Pavement latté, and walked powerfully out the door. 

Area Freshman Wonders if Harvard Social Life Improves or People Just Get Used to Barren, Hellish Wasteland

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Harvard College freshman Adam Renner ‘23, native of Belmont, Massachusetts, wondered aloud if social life on campus ever improves or if all (male) undergrads reach a point in their college experience where they admit defeat and surrender to the cruel, relentless cycle of false hope and misery awaiting them inside the fiery gates of Hell between the hours of 9pm and 3am every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night.

Harvard to Accept Less Fresh Men to Class of 2022

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard College will accept less fresh men to the class of 2022, Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid William R. Fitzsimmons ’67 said in an interview this week. 

Resume Absolutely Cannot Fit Onto Less Than Four Pages, Freshman Informs Adviser

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Erin H. Miller ’20, a freshman in Thayer, informed her adviser on Monday that she absolutely cannot—under any circumstances—fit her resume onto fewer than four pages.

The showdown occurred when Melissa P. Williams, a lecturer in Economics, suggested that Miller condense her resume to one page as she applies for summer internships.

Area Freshman Writes "Get a Girlfriend" Really Small on Semester To-Do List

CAMBRIDGE, MA – After meeting with his Freshman Academic Advisor who told him that goal-setting was a great way to keep track of things that are important for personal success, area freshman Andrew Carlson '20 wrote "get a girlfriend" in very small print on his semester to-do list. After careful consideration, he chose to make the almost incomprehensible etchings just big enough that he would remember to do it, but small enough that nobody would notice it if his notebook fell out of his backpack or if he opened it to the wrong page in class.
 

Ambitious Freshman Enrolls in Five Friendships for Spring Semester

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Ignoring advice from his PAF and academic adviser, Kendrick Murphy ’20 reportedly enrolled in five friendships when completing his study card on Friday.

“Shopping week was crazy. I had to leave an 11 am lunch date fifteen minutes in to make it to a lifting sesh with Chad Brockington,” remarked Murphy. “It was hard for me to narrow my list down to just five after shopping fifteen people.”

Weld Resident Suffers Senseless Eye Contact with Former Blockmate

 CAMBRIDGE, MA – At 11:43 last night, tragedy struck the Weld community when, out of nowhere, resident Alicia Cantor was assaulted by the piercing gaze of fellow freshman Abigail Bradley, who was awkwardly boxed out of Cantor’s blocking group just two weeks before. Despite her best efforts to flee the scene, Cantor remained locked in a stone-cold stare with Bradley for a full four seconds, which Cantor described as “the most painful of [her] entire life.”

Freshman Almost Convinces Herself She's Happy To Be In The Quad

CAMBRIDGE, MA -– The desirability of river houses compared to the Quad is widely recognized by Harvard students within weeks of beginning freshman year. However, despite overwhelming evidence of the Quad’s inferiority, recent investigations have found that it is possible for a delusional mindset to set in following Housing Day; some students, such as newly-minted Pforzheimer resident Eliza Elliott ’19, actually believe they are pleased to be there.

Dean Dingman: We're Going To Make OSL The Shit

Dear Harvard College Students, Faculty, and Affiliates,

Pages