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NSA Agent Agrees That Your Last Text Sounded Desperate

WASHINGTON, DC—After a 13 hour shift of monitoring the personal data of millions of Americans, veteran NSA Agent, Donald Burkenheim agrees that you definitely shouldn’t have sent that double text.

Since the passage of the PATRIOT Act, Agent Burkenheim has been surveying citizens’ private communications as a counterintelligence effort to combat terrorist cells, but in his 16 years of service, he has not once seen a text as pathetic as the one that you just sent.