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Nation Agrees It Must At Least Pretend to Care About Florida

The nation is divided on whether to care about Florida.

As the most powerful Atlantic storm in recorded history battered the United States mainland, the nation kept Florida in its prayers, but also decided that the state kind of had it coming anyway.

“Hurricane Irma is causing mass destruction to all in its path with winds reaching up to 185 miles per hour,” Sandra Zuckerman of the National Hurricane Center said. “But then again, Florida is also the reason Bush was elected.”

As Florida residents boarded up their homes and stockpiled food, water, and gasoline, the nation debated just how much pity was warranted.

“It must be terrifying to think that your home and livelihoods could be destroyed in a moment by something you are completely powerless to prevent,” New Hampshire resident, Marcus Leary, said. “But have you ever actually been to Florida? It’s so humid and there are mosquitos literally everywhere. I went to Disney World once on vacation, and I was miserable.”

Americans living outside of the state of Florida have also disagreed on the amount of support they should provide for Florida’s political leaders.

“I heard that the governor declared a state of emergency and urged Florida residents to leave the state if possible. That's scary," said New York resident Peter Manning. "And frankly, I’d be surprised if any of them ever went back."

Nonetheless, Floridians have indicated their appreciation for the nation’s concern and prayers.

“I stood in a line at the grocery store for 5 hours and all that was left was a can of Cheez Whiz,” Florida resident Stephanie Murkowski said. “But my in-laws from Jersey texted me ‘good luck.’ So that helped.”

At press time, the nation had agreed to ignore Hurricane Irma’s devastation of the Caribbean islands.

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