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Only a Fortnite Until We Pokémon Go to the Polls!!

Pokemon balls
Dear God, please vote so I can stop making "cool teen lingo" flashcards.

It’s that time of year again, when all the elementary schools are filled with bake sales and the gym is taken over by democracy, and when good ol’ Hil reminds you all to fulfill your Constitutional duty. But a lot has changed since November of two years ago, so I’ve updated my jokes to tell you all: in only a Fortnite it’s time to Pokemon Go to the Polls!

It was difficult to try to be relatable to the kids of America while also being relatable to an Iowa corn farmer, a New Hampshire electrician, and the average 5-foot-8 parent of 1.89 kids, but now I can devote my full time to connecting with the Americans who didn’t let us all down. So I say to all you kids living wild lives in college, you would be cooler than a thousand “dabs” if you all voted next month.

Is “cool aunt” Hillary still a little ticked off about how the cookie crumbled last time? You betcha. You know how the kids are all playing Grand Theft Auto? Well it sure felt like Grand Theft Election, let me tell you. But that hasn’t stopped me from spending quality time with my family doing family things, like watching movies and running mock town hall debates with the grandkids.

If building my repertoire of dad jokes isn’t enough for you (because let’s be honest, nothing I do ever is), I also have a Snapchat News story! Bill still watches the ones with the bikini models, but I urge you to watch mine, the one about democracy. That’s really all the kids are clamoring for these days anyway, a vote and a new Nintendo Playstation for Christmas.

Back in my day, when I was young, we didn’t have anything to occupy ourselves with beyond being involved in government, but now all your smartphones can show you articles about how individual votes don’t matter. They’re wrong, though. Don’t believe them. Believe me, Hillary Clinton. I’m cool.

© 2018
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