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Hillary Clinton

EXCLUSIVE: Excerpt from Hillary Clinton’s New Book

Hillary Clinton, the failed Democratic contender for President of the United States in 2016, recently announced that she is penning a new book to be published by Simon & Schuster this fall. Tentatively titled Reflections on Change, the book will discuss Clinton’s path from ambitious Wellesley graduate to Secretary of State, the bruising 2016 election, and the quotes that continue to motivate her. Satire V has obtained this exclusive excerpt from her book below:

 

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Clinton Takes Long, Relaxing Vacation at Home Office

CHAPPAQUA, NY- With the long arduous campaign behind her, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton has decided to take a much needed vacation by immediately jumping back to work. “This campaign was so mentally exhausting, and now that it is over, I am going to take time to reflect, get out and see the world, take advantage of some much needed R&R and ‘me time,’” said Clinton, pausing for about 15 seconds. “…. Ok that was good. Back to work.”

Obama Not Mad at Nation, Just Disappointed

WASHINGTON -- As President Barack Obama prepares to hand off the presidency to businessman and birther conspiracy theorist Donald Trump, he sternly told the nation today that he's "not mad, just disappointed."
 
"Look, when I said my legacy was on the line in this election, I meant it," said Obama. "I didn't think you'd take this big of a shit on it, but now that you have, I want to let you know that I am capable of forgiveness." 
 

LEAKED: Transcript of Hillary Clinton’s Tech Support Phone Call

JANUARY 15, 2015

Tech Support: To speak to a representative, please say, “representative.”

Hillary Clinton: Representative.

TS: This call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance purposes.

HRC: Honey, all calls are monitored, but it ain’t for quality—

TS: Hi this is Meredith speaking. How may I help you today?

HRC: Oh hi there Meredith! I’m having a bit of a problem with my private server and I was wondering if you could help a sister out.

You Don't Remember How I Voted on Iraq

You are getting sleepy. Very sleepy. Focus on the spinning circle. Isn't it just lovely?

You are thinking of October 16, 2002. There might have been a vote to authorize military force in Iraq, but then again there might not have been. You can't seem to remember.

Remember, look at the circle. Good. That's good.

“I’ve been silent": Harvard's Bakunin backers face life on a pro-Marx campus

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Walk around any college campus and Marxism’s popularity is immediately apparent. Depending on the climate, you’re likely to see Marx T-shirts or Marx sweaters or Marx hats or Marx scarves.

You’re less likely to encounter Mikhail Bakunin memorabilia. In a setting where students are meant to be agitating for a dictatorship of the proletariat, supporting the nineteenth-century Russian anarchist and factional leader of the International Workingmen’s Association just isn’t cool.

LEAKED: Transcript of Clinton's Speech to Goldman Sachs

BROOKLYN, NY -- For months Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders has demanded that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton release the transcripts of paid speeches she gave to Goldman Sachs. In an unprecedented turn of events, Satire V has acquired an exclusive look at the transcript of one of those speeches. Take a look at some of the shocking revelations:
 

Vulture Perches On Clinton’s Shoulder

DENVER, CO — Mere weeks after a small bird alighted on Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders's lectern during a campaign speech in Oregon, nature visited the presidential race again. This time, a sizable vulture landed on the shoulder of front-runner Hillary Clinton in the middle of a fundraiser in Denver and deposited the lifeless carcass of a black rat at her feet. To the glee of a roaring crowd, Clinton graciously accepted the offering and consumed the rest of the carcass on stage.

Hillary Clinton Going As "Destiny" for Halloween

BROOKLYN, NY-- Hillary Clinton, former Secretary of State and current candidate for the 2016 Democratic nomination for President, announced today that she would dress up as "Destiny" for Halloween this year.
 
"Guess. Guess what I am," demanded Clinton at a press conference on Friday
 
"Um, are you President of the United States?" asked NBC reporter Howard Timmons.
 
"No," responded Clinton. "Come now. Be more precise."
 

Biden Meets Mysterious Figure in Parking Garage After Announcement

WASHINGTON, D.C.- Following the conclusion of his announcement not to run for President in 2016, Vice President Joe Biden left the White House Rose Garden, entered an unmarked car, and silently drove away to an undisclosed location. From there, he walked seven blocks, stopped, looked both ways to make sure no one was following him, and turned into a dimly lit parking garage. At the end of a bleak row of empty parking spots stood a shadowy figure waiting for Biden’s arrival.

“Is it done?” asked the mysterious person.

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