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Principal Violist of Local Orchestra Dies, Moved to Second Stand

An orchestra performing a concert

ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI — After another unfortunate incident of uncontrollable hemorrhaging from the ears while practicing, principal violist John Alberts of the Audubon Philharmonic passed away and was demoted to third chair of the section. 

“It’s truly tragedy to demote the man, but there’s nothing else we can do,” said the conductor of the orchestra. “I need a principal who can lead the section in air-bowing Stravinsky’s Firebird Suite most effectively, and his current state kinda prevents that.”