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Who Said It: Katie Lapp or Fetty Wap?

1.     “You may drop off donations at some open house locations.” 

2.     “When I go to clubs I don’t have to wait outside.”  

3.     “When I go to final clubs I don’t have to wait outside.” 

4.     “Eustace! What is that strange contraption? It’s got the likeness of a horse carriage made of tin!”

5.     “Counting all this bread I don’t talk to feds”

6.     “Counting all this bread I don’t talk to HUDS workers”

7.     “I do this for my squad, I do this for my gang, it’s Zoovie from the trap and ain’t a damn thing change”

New Spotify Algorithm Accurately Predicts Music You Want Sara To Think You’re Listening To

Sara being charming and better than you, as always.

STOCKHOLM — After months of research and development, engineers at Spotify have finished a groundbreaking playback algorithm that shows Sara a live feed of the music you are definitely listening to right now. Spotify’s thorough analysis of the beloved iPod Classic you told her must have fallen out of her backpack has mathematically confirmed that convincing Sara you actually like Animal Collective is the key to her bespectacled heart.  

Taylor Swift Copyrights Sound of Falling Off Treadmill™

LOS ANGELES, CA - After Apple Music’s new promotional video “Taylor Vs. Treadmill” was met with a large amount of comments, views, and shares, Ms. Swift decided she needed to reassert her control of the situation – a control which she did not have when sliding headfirst off the moving exercise machine.

BREAKING: Lowell Bell Ringers Learn New Song

Cambridge, MA--After twenty fucking years of playing the same goddamn shit, Harvard's illustrious Lowell Bell Ringers have learned a new song.

"Though we really love butchering 'Lord of the Dance' to the point of unrecognizablity,we decided there are other obscure biblical hymns out there to disturb the peace of the day with," explained sophomore and inconsiderate asshole James Russell.

Boston Man Ready for 50 Minutes of Back-to-Back Classic Rock

After lowering his office blinds and tuning up his air guitar, Quincy building manager Nick Durden is ready for 50 minutes of back-to-back classic rock. “Hell yeah I’m ready for the hits,” said Durden in response to Terry Nowlin, WZLX’s Head Rockin’ DJ for the 10am to 11am time slot. 

Ted Cruz Stopped Listening To Rock Music on 9/11, When He Heard Nickelback

Washington, D.C.--In an interview this week on CBS This Morning, presidential hopeful Senator Ted Cruz stated that he used to listen to rock music until September 11, 2001, when Nickelback’s album Silver Side Up debuted. “Music is interesting,” he said. “I’ll tell you sort of an odd story,” he told the audience. “My music taste changed on 9/11. And it’s very strange. I actually intellectually find this very curious. But on 9/11, I first heard Nickelback’s single ‘How You Remind Me’. And then I heard it again. And again.