and entering

God Friendzoned by Earth Resident

God looks down upon his Children, including those who "just don't appreciate what [He] can offer."

HEAVEN – On Friday, God finally worked up the courage to ask a favorite resident of planet Earth to find a place for Him in her heart. After years of pursuit, His efforts were rewarded with a suggestion that they “just be friends.”

“You’re a really great guy, but I’m a woman of science,” read her text. “I could never think of you as more than a friend. Besides, it really doesn’t help that you get performance anxiety with resurrections – except for that one time with my goldfish.” She went on to express her hope that things not be “totally awkward” between them because she planned on continuing to leech miracles off their friendship.

Unable to control his emotions, God raged in a fit of passion. “Raining on her stepsister’s wedding day, exorcising the demon from her pet cat Lucy, that plague of locusts… I’ve never done anything but her bidding. Where did I go wrong?” Clouds rumbled.

Sources close to God report that He is overcome by His inability to get her on her knees. “He just wanted to bring prayer into her life, fill her with His glory, and recruit her to disseminate His religion. God is really just devastated,” accounts an anonymous angel. “While it’s a huge – and I mean really huge – disappointment, He will surely find someone else to fill the open missionary position.”

Although God is known for poor anger management, there is no definitive word yet on a possible sentence of eternal damnation or virginal impregnation.

© 2016