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Harvard

Answering FAQs for the Harvard Class of 2026

Nervous for First Year Orientation? Never fear! We here at the First Year Experience Office have compiled a list of answers to frequently asked questions for your convenience: 

Q: Are tea kettles permitted  in the dorms?

A: No. Ever since Samuel Adams (Class of 1740) led the Boston Tea Party, the Harvard Administration has been wary of permitting undergraduate students access to tea. In turn, tea kettles are prohibited within Harvard dormitories 


Q: Where can I go if I have a mental health concern?

Search Committee Formed to Track Down Harvard’s Next President: David Blaine

With news of Lawrence Baccow stepping down from his highly coveted position as President of Harvard University, the search begins to locate the whereabouts of the next Harvard President, world renowned magician and escape artist David Blaine, who disappeared from the Harvard Corporation without a trace.

“Shit, he was literally right here!”

These words were spoken by Penny Pritzker, senior fellow of Harvard University, among the flurry of shouts and ringing telephones in the Harvard Corporation building this morning.

Hey! It’s Me, Jigsaw. Take This Survey For My Final Paper If You Want to Live :)

Jigsaw from the movie Saw on a bicycle

Hi all! It’s me, Jigsaw, from the movie, Saw. Just popping into the GroupMe that you muted six months ago to collect some data for my final Expos paper! If you take my survey, you’ll be entered into a raffle to win one of five teeth I pulled from the victims–ahem, respondents of my club's satisfaction form last semester :)

 

1. What do you think of our school’s policies on the environment, the government, money, torture, politics, and that annoying guy across the hall?

     a. Just right! :)

     b. Need to be changed! :(

     c. Did you say torture?

7 Ways To Fake Working So It Doesn’t Look Like You’re Sitting Alone In The Kirkland Dining Hall

1. Get a table near an outlet to keep your computer charged.

2. Look frustrated while staring intently at the screen, typing at a minimum of 100 wpm as you devour a bowl of Marshmallow Mateys.

3. Spread out multiple books across the table. They can picture books, tabloids, or in igpay atinlay; any book will do.

4. Take a pill bottle and scribble “ADDERALL” across the front with a sharpie. Leave the bottle out in the open for everyone to see.

“It's Just Camp”: Harvard Dean Announces Plan To Address Dilapidated House Infrastructure

Photo of a collapsing house

-- OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE, CAMBRIDGE, MA

Since the eagerly anticipated return of full residential life to campus this fall, many Harvard students have reported that the state of their dorm rooms violate multiple local Cambridge safety codes concerning black mold and bad taste. 

QUIZ: Is This a Line from One of This Semester’s UC Emails or a Quote from Star Wars’ Chancellor Palpatine?

Chancellor Palpatine wearing a UC pin

1. “You deserve a refund. Student organizations deserve increased, timely funding. We all deserve a new, effective student association that works for us.”

A) UC Email

B) Chancellor Palpatine

 

Answer: The entitled repetition of “deserve” should be a dead giveaway that this was written by a Harvard student!

 

 

2. “In order to ensure our security and continuing stability, the Republic will be reorganized into the first Galactic Empire for a safe and secure society.”

A) UC Email

Area TF Asks What Kind of Platitudes Work Best for Student with Covid

Screenshot of a slack dm reading "and that's why I just thought it would be really important ti let you know before I told anyone else and I just want to thank you in advance and also just for an amazing semester so far!" that has been germ emoji reacted. the response reads "That sucks :("

CAMBRIDGE, MA– After Richard Wozniak ’24 tested positive for Covid-19, he rushed to email the only person who could make him feel better: his CS50 Teaching Fellow, Jenna Matthews ‘22. “I was so worried, with having a potentially deadly disease, that I would be unable to handle all of my regular academic course load, whilst trying to recover,” Wozniak explained, not ready for the absolutely amazing response to follow:

Area Harvard Student Constantly Mentally Editing the “Early Life” Section of His Future Wikipedia Page

A screenshot of Rakesh Khurana's wikipedia page showing the Early Life and Education Heading with edit button

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Area Harvard student Adam Shapiro ’24, a “social junior, academic sophomore,” Gov concentrator, and deeply uncommitted member of Leverett House, is reported to always be mentally editing the “Early Life” section of what he anticipates will be his future Wikipedia page. What Adam will actually be famous for, however, remains to be seen. 

Grab-n-Go Dining: A Message From Huds

Grab-n-Go Dining

AHHHH FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK OK GUYS FUCK OK.

OK.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKK.

THIS IS BAD. DO NOT STAY CALM. DO NOT STAY CALM.

WE WERE SO CLOSE. WE GOT SO FAR. WE THOUGHT WE COULD MAKE IT. FUCK. FUCK!!!!!!

17 Things to Bring to Study in Smith

Smith Campus Center 10th Floor

Are you about to pack for your day-long trip to Smith during the reading period grind? Have you been unable to fully focus regardless of floor level? If so, here is a list of tried and true crowdsourced items from FlyBy members to keep your body healthy and mind sharp at Smith!

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