SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Harvard

Why I’m Buying SatireV II: the Sequel [NOT SATIRE]

Elon Musk speaking with SatireV logo on black screen behind him

I, Elon Reeve Musk (user verified because of subscription to SatireV Crimson), have purchased SatireV. You may be asking yourself, why are you doing this Elon? Why bother? You’re already so universally beloved by upper-middle-class dads, PS11 professors, and emerald mine stockholders? Why not spend some time with your eight kids?

Well, after my latest successful endeavor in social media entrepreneurship, I came to an epiphany. The next frontier is not Twitter. The next frontier is not space. The next frontier is Satire. More specifically, it is SatireV.  

Why I'm Declaring Lin-Manuel Miranda Studies

Lin-Manuel Miranda doing Jazzhands in front of a backdrop with the HKS logo

Heyo illustrious soft-mores! I just wanted to hop on here to brag about how I just made the most important decision of my life—declaring a concentration! Boy, was this hard! Some people will claim that other life decisions are harder: whether or not to take grandma off life support, or if you should pull the lever so that a speeding trolley will kill your mom instead of seven strangers. But they’re wrong. Declaring a concentration is without a doubt the hardest choice you’ll ever make.

The Official Guide to the Lizard Club’s Annual Taming of the Lizards

The front door of a final club, where a hand-made sign saying "The lizard" with a cartoon lizard has been hung above the door

Harvard’s hottest and most exclusive final club, the Lizard Club, will soon welcome its newest punch class, which can only mean one thing: it’s time for the annual Taming of the Lizards punch initiation formal! 

Guide: Is it Too Late to Ask That Person How Their Summer Was?

English10 Student Read Too Much Fanfiction to Study Serious Literature Written in the Second Person

A beautiful, mysterious girl with long blond locks and piercing eyes– YOU.

CAMBRIDGE, MA- On Monday, a reporter visited the dorm of Yura Naim (Y/N), an English 10 student refusing to read any literature on the course syllabus that was written in the second person.

Answering FAQs for the Harvard Class of 2026

Nervous for First Year Orientation? Never fear! We here at the First Year Experience Office have compiled a list of answers to frequently asked questions for your convenience: 

Q: Are tea kettles permitted  in the dorms?

A: No. Ever since Samuel Adams (Class of 1740) led the Boston Tea Party, the Harvard Administration has been wary of permitting undergraduate students access to tea. In turn, tea kettles are prohibited within Harvard dormitories 


Q: Where can I go if I have a mental health concern?

Search Committee Formed to Track Down Harvard’s Next President: David Blaine

With news of Lawrence Baccow stepping down from his highly coveted position as President of Harvard University, the search begins to locate the whereabouts of the next Harvard President, world renowned magician and escape artist David Blaine, who disappeared from the Harvard Corporation without a trace.

“Shit, he was literally right here!”

These words were spoken by Penny Pritzker, senior fellow of Harvard University, among the flurry of shouts and ringing telephones in the Harvard Corporation building this morning.

Hey! It’s Me, Jigsaw. Take This Survey For My Final Paper If You Want to Live :)

Jigsaw from the movie Saw on a bicycle

Hi all! It’s me, Jigsaw, from the movie, Saw. Just popping into the GroupMe that you muted six months ago to collect some data for my final Expos paper! If you take my survey, you’ll be entered into a raffle to win one of five teeth I pulled from the victims–ahem, respondents of my club's satisfaction form last semester :)

 

1. What do you think of our school’s policies on the environment, the government, money, torture, politics, and that annoying guy across the hall?

     a. Just right! :)

     b. Need to be changed! :(

     c. Did you say torture?

7 Ways To Fake Working So It Doesn’t Look Like You’re Sitting Alone In The Kirkland Dining Hall

1. Get a table near an outlet to keep your computer charged.

2. Look frustrated while staring intently at the screen, typing at a minimum of 100 wpm as you devour a bowl of Marshmallow Mateys.

3. Spread out multiple books across the table. They can picture books, tabloids, or in igpay atinlay; any book will do.

4. Take a pill bottle and scribble “ADDERALL” across the front with a sharpie. Leave the bottle out in the open for everyone to see.

“It's Just Camp”: Harvard Dean Announces Plan To Address Dilapidated House Infrastructure

Photo of a collapsing house

-- OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE, CAMBRIDGE, MA

Since the eagerly anticipated return of full residential life to campus this fall, many Harvard students have reported that the state of their dorm rooms violate multiple local Cambridge safety codes concerning black mold and bad taste. 

Pages