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Harvard Adopts Universal Quad/Unquad Housing Assignments For First-Years Due to Coronavirus

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- On this year’s annual Housing Day, Harvard College will be giving first year students a housing assignment of either “Emergency Quad” or “Emergency Unquad,” or QEM/UEM, according to emails sent by Dean of Undergraduate Education Amanda J. Claybaugh and Dean of the Faculty of Arts and Sciences Claudine Gay. 

13 Surefire Ways to Re-Establish Yourself as Section Kid via Zoom

This pandemic sucks! Sure, a bunch of people are dying from a novel, highly infectious virus, but even worse: school’s been moved online! How are you supposed to assert your dominance over your peers during section now?! Not to fear –- simply follow these 13 Surefire Ways to Re-Establish Yourself as Section Kid via Zoom!

  1. Keep your video on, even though it's a 200 person lecture and everyone else's is off. Angle your camera strategically so that it shows off all your high school decathlon medals.

I Told You A Recession Was Coming... In The Next 10 Years

angry student

I literally called it.

If you had just listened to me, maybe you wouldn’t be so panicked right now. I mean, just a few weeks ago, I was telling you over lunch that we should expect a recession in the next decade, or so.

Five Students Who Absolutely *Need* Grades This Semester

Harvard College announced a shift to Emergency SAT/UNSAT grading amidst tumultuous debate and arguments both for and against the policy. With valid arguments on both sides of the issue, Harvard *said* they took students’ concerns into account. But they clearly excluded the narratives of these five very real students, who absolutely need grades.

Forgive Me, Please

Where They Stand: COVID-19-era Grading

For the newest installment of Where They Stand, your trusted SatireV pollsters did a survey to see where key campus figures stand on how Harvard should change the grading policy in light of the COVID pandemic and students working from home. Scroll through to see the results.

Department heads

Economics DUS Jeffrey Miron: The faculty have decided that giving grades takes too much time out of their precious research calendar, so we’re suspending all grading requirements indefinitely.

Things Dean Khurana Is Doing Now Harvard Is De-Densified

Dean Khurana admiring his land

1) Mashing up everything on the LamCaf menu and taking a bite. Just one, to see what it tastes like.
2) Finally touching the statues at the back of Annenberg.
3) Skiing down Widener steps.
4) Wondering out loud if "De-Densify" is going to be the new "Transformative".
5) Deciding, reluctantly, it isn't.
6) Flossing. Also flossing. Oral hygeine is very important to Dean Khurana.
7) Staring at the wall in Lamont for 72 hours straight.
8) Egging the Final Clubs. (TP'ing them is out for obvious reasons.)

QUIZ: Are These Lines from Harvard’s Eviction Email or Semisonic’s “Closing Time”?

1. “One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer.”

2. “The University has a responsibility to take proactive measures in order to protect the health and well-being of every member of our community”

3. “You don't have to go home but you can't stay here.”

4. “Harvard College students will be required to move out of their Houses and First-Year dorms as soon as possible and no later than Sunday, March 15 at 5:00pm”

5. “We realize that leaving campus at short notice will be challenging for some of you.”

HUIT Introduces Harvard Insecure, A New Network Which Works Only When You Validate Its Feelings

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a statement released by the Harvard University Information Technology Department, representative Anne Margulies announced a new solution to student complaints about Harvard Secure—Harvard Insecure. This new network allegedly will solve all the problems of Harvard Secure, the only catch being that it needs you to constantly reassure it that it’s doing a good job.

Blocking Drama: First-Year Actors Confused by Definition of 'Blocking'

CAMBRIDGE, MA As soon as Carolyn Kaplan ’22, director of Sound of Music in the Ex, instructed the seven members of the Von Trapp ensemble to "get blocking down immediately" during rehearsal, the group of freshmen collectively panicked.

“What?” Tommy Weiss ’23, Von Trapp member #2, exclaimed. “I thought we had until March 2nd to figure it all out.”

“Nooooo!” Kaplan responded. “I said blocking had to be perfected by today. Ok split up into your groups and then link hands at the chorus.”

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