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Breaking

and entering

Harvard

SHOCKING: Event that Would Not Have Been Well Attended in Person Also Not Well Attended on Zoom

ZOOM— This past week, Mather House hosted a public service career panel with its alumni and HoCo moderating the panel. Though in the past this event has drawn no more than 10 people at a time, the house was “optimistic” for a strong showing this year. 

2020 Was Supposed to Be My Year

allston campus

By the Allston Engineering Campus 

Yeah, I get it. We’ve all had a pretty shitty year. We were all expecting maybe a little better for ourselves. Zoom University was renewed for a second season. Mather Lather was presumably canceled for the foreseeable future. And what was supposed to be a breathless tryst in the Widener stacks is now a ménage à un in your childhood beanbag chair.

I'm Not Like Other Semesters. I'm Different.

Harvard

By Fall 2020

I know, I know. You probably don’t want to hear from me. You think that I’m the weird one. The outsider. The one that's been "ruining your college experience for the past 4 miserable months”.

Preliminary Draft of Winter Weather Advisory - FAS to Remain Ajar

12/1/19

Hi Claudine! Here’s the first draft of the Winter Weather Advisory to go out to the students tomorrow. As a former member of the Harvard Advocate, I’ve taken a few tasteful creative liberties to really whet the students’ appetite for the oncoming lack of snow day. Let me know what you think! 

x Leslie 

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To my dearest members of the Faculty of Arts and Sciences community, and to those with whom they cohabitate~

 

Harvard to Mail Urine Collection Kits So Students Can Pee on John Harvard From Home

John Harvard statue

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In an effort to bring students together by adapting beloved traditions to the pandemic, Dean Rakesh Khurana has confirmed plans to mail out urine collection kits to allow students to pee on the John Harvard statue from home.

A Near History of the Squirrel's Republic of Harvard Yard

Cautious squirrel, flashbacks of Republic

By: The Squirelissimo

March 15

The tall ones are leaving. Why? They do not usually migrate until the hot times. Until after the weekend where the whole world is covered by chairs and full of annoying parents and they all get pieces of paper that allow them to become consultants. Why now do they leave?

March 20

An Open Letter to Duo Security: Don’t You Forget About Me

 

Dearest Duo,

Every other day we know each other by touch alone. One gentle, lingering press of the fingerprint sensor and you open up and give me everything I’ve ever needed and more.  My email.  My Canvas dashboard.  My.Harvard.  

QUIZ: Is this “What I Believe” from Larry Bacow, or “I Believe” from the Hit 2011 Musical The Book of Mormon?

Larry Bacow
1. As Luke teaches us, from those to whom much is given, much is expected.
ANSWER: Bacow
 
2. If you believe, the Lord will reveal it, and you'll know it's all true – you'll just feel it.
ANSWER: The Book of Mormon
 
3. I've always longed to help the needy, to do the things I never dared.
ANSWER: The Book of Mormon
 
4. I believe that one measure of the justness of a society is how it treats its most vulnerable members.

BREAKING: 100% of Non-Existent Internships Cancelled

An image of Harvard University

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a letter to all undergraduate students, the OCS sadly announced that all “imaginary or fabricated internships” have been put on hold for summer 2020 due to COVID-19, without elaborating on remote possibilities. This news comes after the Office of International Education, along with many prestigious tech and finance firms, have cancelled their 2020 internships.

Sophomore Jean Klein said she was deeply surprised by the news and wondered whether she could still tell people she’d “probably be working on a campaign this summer.”

Area Professor Addresses Elephant in the Zoom

Indeed, an elephant in the zoom

CAMBRIDGE, MA  — A Math 21 professor was finally forced to address the elephant in the Zoom last Thursday, when the initially adorable interruption almost cost a sophomore his life.

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