LONDON, England—Both Liverpool and Manchester fans were disappointed yesterday when, after a grueling 70 years on the pitch, God failed to save the Queen.

“He’s just never failed us like this before!” cried one dismayed Englishman. “I’m pretty sure he was the one who told us to keep calm and carry on way back when things looked bleak in the first half.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA- Thought you were #winning at college? Think again. Allow that impostor syndrome to simmer when you hear what your industrious fellow-collegian has been up to: after testing positive for scurvy, David “Davy” Jones ‘23 is well on track to becoming a full-fledged 16th century pirate by age 30. How do you like them apples?

Howdy there last minute shoppers! We’re so excited that you’ve accepted our invitation to take part in Cthulhu's annual fun and festive Secret Santa gift exchange! With only two shopping days left before Christmas, here’s a couple of reminders for those of you still looking for the perfect gift:

1. Do not attempt to find out the name of your Santa. The knowledge will destroy you.

2. Gifts should cost no more than the price of redemption of a tortured soul.

Hiya there, great to meet ya! It's me, everyone's favorite reading buddy – Rob the Rhino! I love chapter books, spelling, belly rubs, and also John says it's not working and he'll pick his stuff up on Saturday!

I’m not going to lie, 2020 has been rough. 12 months ago I felt so optimistic. After all, 2020 had all of the makings of my perfect year: a new decade, a thriving economy, and a theatrical release of Sonic the Hedgehog slated for February 14th. 

I thought my grandparents would attend my graduation. I was going to travel the world. And on Valentine’s day, I was supposed to have a perfect evening with Sonic, James Marsden, and Jim Carrey’s Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik. Needless to say, none of that happened.

• I am one who loved not wisely but too well.
• We really shouldn’t have moved in together.

• How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child!
• Say “thank you,” Peter. Your father is trying his best in the kitchen.

• Nothing will come of nothing!
• Nothing will come. Ever. Nothing.

• Get thee to a nunnery.
• (music) Get a bucket and a mop...

Many a time will women dip out of socially-distanced hangouts, claiming that they have a “small bladder” and need to get home. Take this quiz to see whether your friend is being truthful or not!

How many ounces of water has she consumed throughout the picnic?

a)     5

b)    15

c)     30.5

When you proposed taking a walk around the park, she …

a)     Vehemently declined. “Why can’t we just sit?”

Let’s see if you really have what it takes to make a smart-ass decision here, champ.

1. Washing hands with soap and water is the best way to get rid of germs in most situations. If soap and water are not readily available, you can use an alcohol-based hand sanitizer that contains at least 60% alcohol.

Answer: That’s the CDC!

2. Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this blood clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather the multitudinous seas incarnadine, making the green one red