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Opinion

I Never Did That Stuff to Taylor Swift (Exactly)

My name is Jake Gyllenhaal. I am a likeable, progressive, feminist, and even-tempered critically acclaimed actor with non-buggy eyes, and I would never gaslight anyone. Last night a certain indie short film was released allegedly based on certain events in my life. The way I was depicted is hurtful, damaging, and above all, absolutely completely not entirely true.

Sex week? What could I possibly learn from that?

My name is Garrett, I’m 20 years old, and I’m pretty sure I know everything I need to know about sex. And yes I know what a clitaurus is. And no I don’t feel the need to explain what that is at the moment.

Why I’m Getting Vaccinated

Kendall Jenner sits on top of a pile of agave, wearing an entirely beige outfit with brown boots, holding a bottle of 818 tequila, and staring in the general direction of the camera with an expression of pride

Now that all American adults are eligible to get the vaccine across the country, I've made a list of all the reasons why I'm getting vaccinated to encourage people to go out and get vaccinated too! #ad #modernapartner #pfuckpfizer #vaccinatedbby

-I miss crying in the bathroom at parties on the private island Kim flew me to for her birthday

-I’ve run out of dollar bills to laminate 

-My morning cold brew isn’t giving me the shakes anymore

-I want to see a one man show alone live

It's Not Easy Being An Environmentalist

Woman in fedora faces away from camera and looks out on a scene of grass and trees

You. Stop scrolling. Yes, you. Because I have something to say. Ever since I was a child, I've loved the Earth. Sure, call me granola, but I can see its true beauty. Earth is magical. Earth gives us what we need to survive. Like water. And waterfalls. Salad. Almond milk. Corn mazes. Earth made those. Earth made everything.

No, I Am Not Attracted to Gothorita from Pokemon

Gothorita
Hold on. Backtrack, rewind, I— Did you j— Did you just ask if I was attracted to Gothorita?

Like, Gothorita? Is that like, pfft, is that like a Neopet or something? Oh, a Poké— Pokéman? Is that how you pronounce it? I don’t even know how to pronounce it.

I’m Not Like Other Pharma Execs, My $10 Million Gene Therapy Has a One Time Payment

DNA-Helix

By Genzelc Bio CEO, Richard Hawkins

How are you doing today, my sweet, sweet privately-insured sacks of pre-existing conditions? As I’m sure you know, I’m Richard Hawkins, M.B.A and CEO of Genzelc Therapeutics. But, what you may not know is this: I’m not like the other pharmaceutical execs. I’m casual, I’m hip, I’m overly prescriptive. And above all, I’m a real nice guy.

Op-Ed: Why I’m Committing Voter Fraud and You Should Too

By Jake Craven ‘22

 

According to Wikipedia, voter fraud is the “illegal interference with the process of an election.” Now, I don’t know much about illegal processes, but I do know a thing or two about elections; specifically, how easy they are to interfere with fraudulently. That’s why, this November, I’ll be marching down to my local polling center and submitting roughly 44,600 ballots for Hilary Clinton.

I’m Not Racist, My Favorite Artists are Black

lana del rey

Now this is my absolute FINAL last concluding ultimate endmost thing I have to say on this matter. When I made the post about the oppression I have been through as a white woman, YOU guys made it about race. Everyone has taken my words out of context. I am not racist. In fact, I'll have you know that some of my favorite artists are black.  

Zoom's 'End Meeting' Dialogue Box is a Microcosm of the Conflict between Federalism and State Autonomy

Sit Back and Listen To Me Chew Directly Into Your Ears, You Powerless Worm

Well, well, well. We meet again. It’s our usual place. Maybe, a Gened section? Or, a group project meeting? Really, anywhere over Zoom. Things are just getting started, and everyone looks happy and content. And then. I strike. 

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