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Opinion

Op-Ed: Why I’m Committing Voter Fraud and You Should Too

By Jake Craven ‘22

 

According to Wikipedia, voter fraud is the “illegal interference with the process of an election.” Now, I don’t know much about illegal processes, but I do know a thing or two about elections; specifically, how easy they are to interfere with fraudulently. That’s why, this November, I’ll be marching down to my local polling center and submitting roughly 44,600 ballots for Hilary Clinton.

I’m Not Racist, My Favorite Artists are Black

lana del rey

Now this is my absolute FINAL last concluding ultimate endmost thing I have to say on this matter. When I made the post about the oppression I have been through as a white woman, YOU guys made it about race. Everyone has taken my words out of context. I am not racist. In fact, I'll have you know that some of my favorite artists are black.  

Zoom's 'End Meeting' Dialogue Box is a Microcosm of the Conflict between Federalism and State Autonomy

Sit Back and Listen To Me Chew Directly Into Your Ears, You Powerless Worm

Well, well, well. We meet again. It’s our usual place. Maybe, a Gened section? Or, a group project meeting? Really, anywhere over Zoom. Things are just getting started, and everyone looks happy and content. And then. I strike. 

Billy, I Fucking Told You There Were Negative Numbers in Real Life

His Fifth Grade Teacher    

Bored In Quarantine? Pierce Us Next.

nipple piecing

Hey fam! It’s us! Your teats. Your mammary glands. Your udders, if you prefer. We just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. We couldn’t help but notice that your hair looks...different. We could have told you that bangs weren’t the way to go. They kinda accentuate your ever-so-slight-but-also-quite-noticeable-hyper-round face of yours. But no worries on that! We all make mistakes! And we think we have a way to get you right back on track!

PIERCE.

US. 

You're Still Invited

A view of Widener Library
by the Office of Student Engagement
 
You may think that just because you've left campus, you've escaped the grasp of me, the Office of Student Engagement. But I'm back, I'm better and stronger than ever, and I'm here to say that you're still invited to my weekly offerings. 
 

I'm Also Hot

By Stacy's Mom's Daughter

Hey, you. Yeah, you, listening to “Stacy’s Mom” at full volume in your shitty dorm party and shouting about how banging my mom's body is. Listen up. Because I have some news for you.

I’m Getting Sick of You Too

You May Think You Have It Bad, but I Can’t Lick Doorknobs Anymore

A doorknob

By Your Local Doorknob Licker

All of you think you have it so bad--not being able to go to your favorite restaurant, catch a movie with your new crush, or have that fifth gin and tonic at the local bar in another fit of self loathing--but let me tell you something… You do not know true anguish until you have your one passion in life ripped from your hands because some fuckers decided not to wash their hands.  

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