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Opinion

You May Think You Have It Bad, but I Can’t Lick Doorknobs Anymore

A doorknob

By Your Local Doorknob Licker

All of you think you have it so bad--not being able to go to your favorite restaurant, catch a movie with your new crush, or have that fifth gin and tonic at the local bar in another fit of self loathing--but let me tell you something… You do not know true anguish until you have your one passion in life ripped from your hands because some fuckers decided not to wash their hands.  

How to Stay in Character As a Pilgrim On a Quarantined Mayflower Cruise

Are you quarantined? On a cruise ship? While acting as religious refugees fleeing Europe for the New World in a small boat? If the answers to these three questions are correct, then we may be able to help!

 

This is My Second Rodeo and I Have No Idea What I'm Doing

I’ll be honest with you; I’ll be frank. This is my second rodeo and I still have no idea what I'm doing. And trust me, it’s not because I haven’t been trying. Let me start from the beginning.

Phineas Gage Can Get It

You know Phineas Gage? No, not the post-harpoon accident whaler. No, definitely NOT that walking, talking, cartoon Dorito with a pet platypus, although I’d definitely go for his deep British-accented broccoli of a brother. I’m talking about THE Phineas Gage, the one that if you’ve taken any class even remotely along the lines of psychology, you’ve without-a-doubt heard of him. Yeah, well he CAN GET IT.

I Own You, Weakling

You are pathetic. You think you can ignore me? Fool. You know there’s no escaping me. I am your best friend and your worst nightmare. I have the power to destroy you. I will destroy you. And yet you’ll come back begging for more. You always do. There is literally nothing you can do, you miserable, feeble-minded, frail-boweled coward. I own you, weakling.

You People Are Even Too Problematic for Me

By the Devil

Dear Advocates,

Behold, ‘tis I, the Prince of Darkness, Beelzebub, Satan, Lord of the Dark Abyss. You know, that guy who you just loooove to stand up for, like, all the time in section, at the dining hall, and on twitter when you practice your hot takes. Look, everyone hates changes. I wish I didn’t have to say this. But let me just get it out — after a thorough review of your performance this past year, I regret to inform you that I’ll have to let you go.

I Am Not a Horse Girl, I Am a Centaur

My name is Jessica and I am just like you. I wear clothes, I live in a house, but I am also a centaur. Yes I am eight feet tall, yes I have a tail, and yes I am banned from Sweetgreen. However, don’t be mistaken, I am NOT a horse girl and I don’t associate with them. 

I Am Pietro Alveoli, Sexy Italian Man. Please Subscribe to My Channel

Sexy man

Hello, lovers. As you have undoubtedly read from the title, lovers, my name is Pietro Alveoli, and I am a sexy Italian man. Take care that my flowing hair does not blind you—the light of the sun simply grows more brilliant as it hits my radiant locks, lovers. I hate to ask anything of my dear lovers, lovers, but I am afraid that I must ask you to like and subscribe to my YouTube channel. You shall not regret it, lovers, for I am not only a sexy Italian man, but also an interesting, wealthy-sexy Italian man.

I’m Not Racist, My Top Spotify Artist of 2019 was Drake

This year, I spent 23 hours making the world a better place. And it wasn’t hard—I just spent it with my best friend, Aubrey Drake Graham. I kinda just call him Drake though. And seeing that an artist of color was my go-to fix for all of 2019 has been kind of an a-woke-ning for me. Before I used to wonder if my deafening silence contributed towards the perpetuation of structural oppression. Now, because of Drake, I wonder aloud: Am I not racist because a black artist and some features were in my ears for a long time this year? Yes Indeed.

McKinsey Is An Evil, Reprehensible Corporation and I Would Never Work There (Again)

I recently came across an article shared by my friend working at Bain that McKinsey & Company, the prominent management consulting firm with global reach, helped the Trump Administration execute its ethically questionable immigration policies. McKinsey proposed cost-cutting proposals which jeopardized the health and safety of immigrants in order and were decried as too extreme by ICE staffers themselves.

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