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Insecure Teens Rejoice as Face-Hiding Becomes Commonplace

SELF-ISOLATION, USA—Insecure adolescents the world over are now celebrating COVID-19’s unexpected silver lining: with the newly widespread use of face masks and respirators, they can now participate in polite society, unabashed and unhindered by their average looks.

It’s Okay, No One Was Coming to Your Event Anyway

coronavirus

by COVID-19

I couldn’t help but notice the tear rolling down your cheek as you hit delete on the Facebook event for the two-week reunion of your daughter's christening over concerns of my ability to lay waste to the human species. But let's be honest. You didn’t have to do that. No one was coming anyway.

Area Cartographer Gives Up On Creating World Map To Scale

map

UPPSALA, SWEDEN -- Rolling up the many, many, many pieces of his latest mapping project, area cartographer Elias Karlsson finally set aside his most recent, most ambitious project: creating a map of the world to actual scale, whilst still following Amerigo Vespucci’s 16 Principes Fondamentaux de La Cartographie. 

"Tough Crowd” Says Guy Speaking After Greta Thunberg

 

DAVOS, SWITZERLAND -- “Bloody hell,” muttered UK delegate Thomas R. Walpole after hearing he was scheduled to address the World Economic Forum directly after Greta Thunberg. Facing the tough act of following the teenage environmentalist’s passionate plea for revolutionary transformation, the UK Acting Second Junior Deputy Undersecretary of Finance reportedly sought to ensure that his speech on “The Importance of Agricultural Futures in Post-Supranationalist Economic Interchanges” would be equally as enthralling. 

Santa’s Reindeer to Strike After “Optimization” of North Pole by Prominent Consulting Firm

NORTH POLE -- Protests have rocked the North Pole this week due to a number of recent changes made by its administration. Most notably, reindeer’s pay and living conditions have degraded significantly following redesign of ICE-CICLE run stables as advocated for by the McWhimsy consulting firm.

Pornhub To Make Background White So You Can’t See Your Pathetic Fucking Reflection While The Video Loads

pornhub on the computer

MONTREAL, CANADA – A recent press interview revealed that Pornhub Lead Developer Rusty Gitalto established a new direction for the world’s leading DIY site. Gitalto announced, “the website will be switching from its distinctive black design to a comforting, family-friendly white themed user interface so you pathetic fucks don’t have to see your reflection while our videos load.”

Brexit Summary: Boris Johnson Gets the Snitch but the EU Wins

LONDON- Audiences who have been following the Brexit news will be stunned by this latest revelation: Boris Johnson is chasing the snitch, which will give his team 150 points, but ultimately hand the win to the European Union. The final score as it stands is 10-170, Europe.

Don’t Worry About Me, I Am Literally So Excited To Fucking Die

Bleached coral

by Coral Reef

Hi, it’s me, Coral Reef! No, not coal reef. C-O-R-A-L reef. I’ve been around for thousands of years protecting your coastlines and providing food and shelter for millions of organisms. Well, it’s exhausting, but thanks for asking. My exoskeleton is getting whiter and whiter. I’m getting old! The fact that the above-average temperature of the water is causing me to expel the algae in my tissue and therefore lose my beautiful color is an unrelated coincidence.

U.S. Cultural Landmarks Will Never Burn Down Because We Only Hit the JUUL

In the wake of the tragic burning of the Notre Dame de Paris Cathedral, Americans are breathing easy knowing that their cultural landmarks can never burn down because they “only hit the JUUL." 

“Now that we know that the fire did not involve foul play, I can only assume the blaze was the result of some idiot Frenchman chain-smoking too close to the Cathedral,” noted James Smith, 17. “Luckily, US cultural landmarks will never burn down because we only hit the JUUL.”

Pope to Give up Slathering Himself in Cream Cheese and Robbing Bagel Stores for Lent

VATICAN CITY -- In a press conference this past Sunday, Pope Francis stated, “Lent is a time for reflection. It is a time to face our vices, desires, and temptations. And that is why this Lent I’m going to stop slathering myself in a thick layer of smooth cream cheese and robbing local bagel stores.”

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