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Catholic Church to Support Johnson & Johnson Vaccine After Realizing that “Johnson and Johnson” Name is Not a Euphemism.

Pope Francis

Vatican City, VC

  Pope Francis has announced that the Catholic Church will officially support its members taking Johnson and Johnson’s one-shot COVID-19 vaccine, despite its name. Though it has long been speculated that famously progressive pontiff would support all vaccination efforts, his reasoning for encouraging the shot’s use was quite unexpected.

Quiz: Which Vaccine Are You?

Wanna know which vaccine totally matches your vibe even though you'll have no say as to which one you actually get? Take this quiz to find out! 

 

1. Your dream vacation spot is:

A) Europe

B) US

C) India

D) Nowhere, you’d rather stay at home

E) Anywhere that’s all-inclusive 

 

2. Your optimal temperature is:

A) -94 degrees, about as warm as that one GENED TF you had freshman fall

B) Freezing, aka Cambridge during May

C) Mid 40s, like that professor you want to hook up with

Following Coup Attempt, Cuba To Sanction America

cuba

GENEVA — Following reports of unrest and agitation in the wayward state’s capital, The Republic of Cuba announced that it plans to levy economic sanctions against the United States of America. The move, which came at a meeting of the UN General Assembly, has been hailed as a regrettable but necessary step by the international community.

Groundbreaking Study Finds that When Things Are Stressful, People Get Stressed

Over the past several months, the worlds' brightest minds have worked tirelessly to understand how the human brain responds to environmental stress. And finally, in a long-awaited announcement, these researchers revealed their shocking results: that, when faced with stressful situations, humans get kinda stressed.

Please Take Me Out of the Google Drive Trash

by “Greggly Goes to Prom [Greg x Fregley] [NC-17] (Chapter 1 of X)” 

Historians Find Gutenberg Straight-ble, Bible Revision “Without All the Gay Stuff”

STRASBOURG, FR -- German historians revealed Sunday that Johannes Gutenberg, famous for his eponymous Bible, printed around a dozen copies of another text as well: his personal revision, the Straight-ble. This revision attempts to render the text without, as Gutenberg writes, “all the gay stuff.” 

Could You Guys Find Something Else to Gaze At? I’m Getting a Little Uncomfortable

the moon

Look, I really love orbiting the Earth. It’s a beautiful planet (well, was much better before you people started screwing with it). But all that aside — could we talk about this ‘gaze up at me in the night sky’ business? I’m starting to feel a little uncomfortable.

Sephora Donates 1 Million Ultra-Hydrating Face Masks To Healthcare Workers

Sephora

WASHINGTON D.C. — After facing backlash for laying off over 3,700 part-time employees, French makeup giant Sephora is now being applauded for its pledge to donate its stockpile of facemasks to American frontline healthcare workers combatting the COVID-19 pandemic.  While no N95 masks were listed for sale on the company website, industrial grade clay, charcoal, and Himalayan salt models in durable pastel packaging were available in bulk.

Spacetime Cancelled Indefinitely

NOWHERE — In an effort to halt the spread of COVID-19, the United States Department of Energy has suspended the physical realm of existence, as well as all movement through time, in all US states and territories. “This is not a decision we take lightly,” Secretary of Energy Dan Brouillete told reporters. “But the gravity of the situation calls for us to accelerate our response and act with strong force until there are absolutely zero new cases in the country.” He added, “We’re doing this out of an abundance of cation.” 

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