and entering


“You Put What in Me?!?” Gushes Grateful Recipient of Second Ever Pig to Human Heart Transplant

College Park, MD – “Oh my god, oh my god, OH MY GOD!” yelled Jim Jerries, enthusiastically, when informed of the moment in surgical history he was now a part of, “Didn’t the last guy die?” Mr. Jerries, age 57, has the unique honor of being the second person in history to receive a pig heart transplant. The procedure, called a xenograft, is one of the many wondrous externalities provided by the status quo of the American medical system. Following the historic procedure, the world is anxiously awaiting (and only occasionally placing wagers on) the outcome of Mr.


BREAKING: Egyptian Museum Steals Queen Elizabeth’s Coffin From Westminster Abbey

A man looks at a modern wooden coffin with a picture of Queen Elizabeth next to it that is behind the glass of a museum exhibit about Egyptian mummies

CAIRO, Egypt—Days after Queen Elizabeth’s coffin was reported stolen from Westminster Abbey, the occupied casket resurfaced on display in a new exhibit at The Egyptian Museum in Cairo.

Earz Wot Reillaigh Hahpend Wiv vuh Queen. ISS THA TRUEF!

A photo of Big Ben in London

*Out of respect for British readers, this article was written in English Received Pronunciation. (Also known as a British dialect or the Queen’s English)*

LONDON, England—Bockinghim Palaess ass joss towld us aboeut Lizzie n awll. Iss a murkin shaeme ‘at vuh old wanker ‘ad to keick thu krumpet sew sooen. 

Oi! Woss Happ-pend is sum lads fink vuh queen dieyin iss uh bit sad n awll innit? Wyle tha reist uf os blokes seiy thvat witch woss ay bloody cheeky muppet.

Wei ‘eard frum sohm low-kulls abaioueght ther foghts ohn Elizabeth’s deaf n’ all:

BREAKING: Russian Leader Dies of Natural Causes for First Time in Over Five Hundred Years

A poll asking "Which of these figures is Mikhail Gorbachev?" The results show that 64% chose a picture of Lenin, 12% chose a T-Rex, 3% chose Gorbachev, and 21% chose Elmo.

MOSCOW, Russia — News that former Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev died on August 30th was met with shock and sadness around the world – no place more so than his native Russia. Best known for liberal policies such as glasnost and a notable stint as a Pizza Hut spokesman, Gorbachev was a controversial figure due to his role in the dissolution of the Soviet Union as well as for his unwillingness to honor the “30 minutes or its free” rule. This made it all the more shocking when it was announced Tuesday that Mr.

Glub Glub

Shiny Metal Objects Extending from Food May Be Correlated to Never Being Seen Again


Catholic Church to Support Johnson & Johnson Vaccine After Realizing that “Johnson and Johnson” Name is Not a Euphemism.

Pope Francis

Vatican City, VC

  Pope Francis has announced that the Catholic Church will officially support its members taking Johnson and Johnson’s one-shot COVID-19 vaccine, despite its name. Though it has long been speculated that famously progressive pontiff would support all vaccination efforts, his reasoning for encouraging the shot’s use was quite unexpected.

Quiz: Which Vaccine Are You?

Wanna know which vaccine totally matches your vibe even though you'll have no say as to which one you actually get? Take this quiz to find out! 


1. Your dream vacation spot is:

A) Europe


C) India

D) Nowhere, you’d rather stay at home

E) Anywhere that’s all-inclusive 


2. Your optimal temperature is:

A) -94 degrees, about as warm as that one GENED TF you had freshman fall

B) Freezing, aka Cambridge during May

C) Mid 40s, like that professor you want to hook up with

Following Coup Attempt, Cuba To Sanction America


GENEVA — Following reports of unrest and agitation in the wayward state’s capital, The Republic of Cuba announced that it plans to levy economic sanctions against the United States of America. The move, which came at a meeting of the UN General Assembly, has been hailed as a regrettable but necessary step by the international community.

Groundbreaking Study Finds that When Things Are Stressful, People Get Stressed

Over the past several months, the worlds' brightest minds have worked tirelessly to understand how the human brain responds to environmental stress. And finally, in a long-awaited announcement, these researchers revealed their shocking results: that, when faced with stressful situations, humans get kinda stressed.

Please Take Me Out of the Google Drive Trash

by “Greggly Goes to Prom [Greg x Fregley] [NC-17] (Chapter 1 of X)”