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Area High School Senior Devastated College Acceptance LinkedIn Post Only Got Single Like

Refreshing his LinkedIn page for the four hundred thirty-second time that evening, area high school senior Oliver Wright sighed with disappointment at seeing zero new responses to the post he made about his college acceptances.

“I don’t understand how my post only got 1 like,” he said. “No one loved, supported, or even green clapped to celebrate. I am devastated. How could my 500+ connections neither care about my major life achievement nor the adversity I faced getting there?” 

You Think You Feel Sad? This Dad Lost His Favorite Shoe Horn.

Area Dad Filbert Jennings lost his favourite shoehorn in a tragic accident just this Monday. About the beloved shoehorn, Mr. Jennings said, “Yes, it was a tragic accident, Vanessa, because it was an accident, and I am very sad about it.” The shoehorn was reportedly in his hand, and then allegedly, no longer in his hand. A self-identified witness to the scene A. Shiu Horne reportedly told Filbert, “I love you, but if you love me, you have to let me go.” However, Horne is now in witness protection and could not be reached for comment on the validity of this statement.

Group Chat Name Changed to Inside Joke You’re Not a Part Of

On October 20th, what was at first a simple problem set group chat quickly became something much more intimate and involved, but you were never ready for this. What was first called “Problem Set Buds” was changed to “Steven’s Extra Nipple.” You don’t even know who Steven is.

Felipe from the group chat alleges: “No I’m pretty sure you were there too at that thing we invited you to…right?”

You weren’t, according to eyewitnesses, who were there.

Area Family Offsets Their Quarantine Sleep Schedules After Realizing They Can't Stand Each Other

SAINT PAUL, MN – In the hopes of reducing the spread of COVID-19, households across the country have been hunkering down at home. As a result, tensions between roommates, couples, and families have been on the rise as they rediscover every reason they hate the people they live with. The Sherman family of Saint Paul, Minnesota, initially struggled with their sudden proximity until they realized that offsetting their sleep schedules would allow them to avoid each other as much as possible.

In Loving Memory of Local Hoodie String (2019-2020)

Our community is deeply saddened to announce that the String in the hoodie that local teen, Craig Arnold, has been wearing for but hardly a year, slipped away violently in Arnold’s sleep while in the washing machine this Thursday evening. The String is survived by its longtime partner, the soft pink Hotline Bling Hoodie, whose loving devotion can best be understood in its ability to always provide a dark, extensive expanse for the String to insert itself into; certainly all that one can hope for in a lover.

Area Woman Wishes Blogger Would Skip the Sob Story and Just Give Her the Recipe for Overnight Oats

A bowl of overnight oats.

MILWAUKEE, WI – After spending hours scrolling through Pinterest to find fun weekday breakfast ideas for her kids, Deborah McIntyre thought she stumbled upon what she had long been searching for – the perfect overnight oats recipe. The oats, from Sweet Mama Bakes, looked like everything McIntyre had ever wanted in a breakfast food; they were the perfect shade of beige, looked to be the ideal consistency of incredibly dense but also entirely liquid, and fit perfectly inside a mason jar.

Area Man Starts Podcast Instead of Going to Therapy

BOSTON SUBURBS - William Conrad has just released the first episode of his new podcast, “Can You Hear Me?” this past Monday.

Unbelievable: Area Tinder Guy Who’s “Always Down for a Good Time” is Actually Kinda Dull


SMALLTOWN, USA — Though Americans remain self-isolated in their homes, nothing can stop many young singles from continuing to swipe through dating apps like Tinder with the false hope of scheduling some post-quarantine meet-ups. 22-year-old John Smith is one such eligible bachelor, but his misleading Tinder profile has caused quite a stir in his local community. His bio “I’m funny, interesting, and always down for a good time” garnered him a lot of matches, but shocking recent reports have confirmed that he is in fact “drier than the Sahara Desert.

MGH Research Proposes New “Cure All”: Having a Really Long Arm

Cambridge, MA—Lead researchers at MGH have recently published a paper proposing that all diseases - and they really mean all diseases - can be mysteriously and completely cured when one of the patient’s arms is significantly elongated. Specifically, they claim elongation of 3-5 inches can cure common ailments like bruises, strep, and relationship dissatisfaction; 6-12 inches can cure many serious cancers and STDs; 12+ inches can help those who are underweight.

Learned Mystic Counsels Pupil to Stick with Sitcom Through Weak Season

ANN ARBOR, MI--Instructing his wavering tutee that "no, dude, it totally picked up again once Dan Harmon came back," local graduate student Cameron Schechter, 26, Patron Saint of the Single Camera and Apostle of Comedy Night Done Right, today encouraged his friend Aaron Mitchell, 25, to continue binging the sitcom Community even though, "yeah, Season 4 kinda blows."