and entering


MGH Research Proposes New “Cure All”: Having a Really Long Arm

Cambridge, MA—Lead researchers at MGH have recently published a paper proposing that all diseases - and they really mean all diseases - can be mysteriously and completely cured when one of the patient’s arms is significantly elongated. Specifically, they claim elongation of 3-5 inches can cure common ailments like bruises, strep, and relationship dissatisfaction; 6-12 inches can cure many serious cancers and STDs; 12+ inches can help those who are underweight.

Learned Mystic Counsels Pupil to Stick with Sitcom Through Weak Season

ANN ARBOR, MI--Instructing his wavering tutee that "no, dude, it totally picked up again once Dan Harmon came back," local graduate student Cameron Schechter, 26, Patron Saint of the Single Camera and Apostle of Comedy Night Done Right, today encouraged his friend Aaron Mitchell, 25, to continue binging the sitcom Community even though, "yeah, Season 4 kinda blows."

Frances McDormand Knows What You Did and Now She’s Outside Your House with a Gun

Two time Academy Award winner Frances McDormand, known for her roles in Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri and the determined Police Chief Marge Gunderson in Fargo, was found Friday evening standing promptly outside your sub-par beige suburban ranch with a Glock 17.

Reached for comment, your disappointed wife gave us a detailed account of the incident.

Win for Endangered Species: Second Curious George Store Discovered in the Amazon

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Earlier this week, an international team of biologists announced the discovery of a second Curious George Store deep in the Amazon rainforest. Conservationists around the world cheered the announcement, expressing renewed optimism that the nearly-extinct species may be saved.

“For the past decade, the Curious George Store in Harvard Square was thought to be the World’s OnlyTM,” said Diane Winter, a Professor of Zoology and Cartoon Primatology at Harvard. “That’s why this announcement is so bananas.”

Area Pastry Shop Customer Could Really Eat This Whole Store

SPRINGFIELD, MA - Witnesses at local-favorite Sweet Cakes Bakery reported being startled while standing in line in front of the cupcake display when customer Carys Jones began hungrily shaking her head in the direction of both the decadent cakes and the succulent tin menu board above it. Eye witness Martha Hannery of Southwick reported: “My son stood behind me and asked me what the strange lady wanted. I couldn’t say, I was scared too. Then she just turned her head, stared into my poor little boy’s soul and bellowed, ‘I DON’T KNOOOOW!”

QUIZ: You’re an Investment Firm Outside of Cambridge. Which Beloved Harvard Square Establishment Will You Ruthlessly Demolish Next?

Hello, partners at real estate investment firms that are headquartered far, far away from Cambridge, Massachusetts! Take this short quiz to determine which beloved Harvard Square institution you could replace without anyone noticing. 
1. Just how beloved is the Harvard Square establishment you are thinking of ruthlessly demolishing? 
A. Super beloved
B. Actually, not really

Whoa There: Area Woman Unleashes Her Inner Dominatrix by Gently Directing Partner in Bed

MILWAUKEE, WI -- Area woman Julianna Delaney shocked those around her by exposing her inner dominatrix last night when she gave her boyfriend, Jared Kogan, a few tips about how to better satisfy her sexually.
    Kogan reportedly balked at Delaney’s request that he “go a little slower, and put your hands on my back,” and ran out of her apartment. In a statement to the press, he expressed his surprise and dismay at his partner’s unmasked kinks, saying, “She should have told me if she’s looking for a sex slave. What’s next - she’s going to put me on a leash and whip me?”

Area Kid Declares National Emergency To Get More Ice Cream

screaming boy

SEATTLE, WA — Earlier this afternoon, 8-year-old Jeffrey Fuller shocked legislators, political pundits, and third graders across the globe by declaring a National Emergency in order to secure 5.7 scoops of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream.

Area Man Unsure Whether Drastic Action Necessary Against Golgamor, Eater of Worlds

Global warming

WASHINGTON, DC — Area man Mike Jacobson pondered aloud the necessity of drastic action in his home office yesterday, as the monstrous shadow of Golgamor, Eater of Worlds, Bringer of Death, Crusher of a Thousand Stars, began to eclipse the sun. 

As the ground began to quake with the footsteps of the primordial superbeing now exhumed from His resting place beneath the sands of time, Jacobson wondered whether it was worth the risk to pursue an extreme plan of action.

Area Soft Boi Has No Intention Of Cuffing Anything Besides His Pants This Valentine’s Day

BOSTON, MA- Resident soft boy Artemis Flores announced this Thursday that he has absolutely no intent on cuffing an actual person this February, opting to hone his pants cuffing technique instead.