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8 Fun Facts for Head of the Charles Regatta Weekend!

Two crews row under weeks footbridge as spectators look on. A small plane tows a banner reading "1-800-Trust Fund."

Fall is in the air and oars are in the water! See, it’s that special time of year again when the leaves change, but the spectator’s political opinions never do! In honor of the most in-crew-dible weekend of the year, here are 8 fun facts about HOCR and rowing in general!

1. Dugout canoes, the great-great grandfather of today’s slick crew shells, are the oldest vehicle type in the world, with examples dating over 8000 years ago! Splish Splash!

“Fellas, Marriage is a Trap”: Little League Coach Offers Memorable Pregame Speech

POTTSTOWN, PA – An area Little League coach has captured widespread attention for a speech delivered to his players ahead of their regional semifinal debut.

“Hey, hey. Listen up guys. This is fun, right? Let go of the nerves. You’re gonna look back and realize these are the best days of your life. Trust me – it all goes downhill from here.”

Merry Christmas, Bitch

Oh hi there Erica...

Remember me? I was your “taller-than-6ft-but-shorter-than-8ft-it-has-to-fit-inside-the-living-room-goddammit-Todd '' perfect Douglas fir. You and the kids drove an ungodly distance to a Christmas Tree Farm (I thought you supported organic and free range? What’s up with that, Erica?) only to find it packed with tiny children wielding disproportionately large axes. You said I was “the one.” Now I’m lying in a disgusting cocktail of slush, car exhaust, and rocksalt on your sidewalk. You bitch. 


Isolation Protocol Changes:

Dear Harvard College Students,


Here's How Yale Can Still Win

  1. Stop calling it “The Game”
  2. Ask Harvard students to explain football
  3. Touch Down In London Town
  4. Start selling Toads tickets for 2023 at a price of $260
  5. Divest from fossil fuels
  6. Remind Harvard students their mascot is literally just a color
  7. Have Handsome Dan piss on the John Harvard Statue
  8. Change their motto to something that isn't plagiarized
  9. Don't be named after a literal slave trader
  10. Create a better hashtag than #huckfarvard because what in the world is a huck

Why We Bought SatireV

‘Ello luvs. We’re One Direction, international boy band sensation, and more importantly, the new proud owners of SatireV. We couldn’t be more chuffed (“excited,” for you Americans) to Save You (the organization) Tonight from financial ruin since, you know, no one ever joins their business comp.


Review: The Head of the Cheese, Ricotta

Cambridge, MA

This crisp weekend of October the 23rd, the year 2021 Annatto Dairy, I witnessed what could only be described as a triumph for turophiles as hundreds of thousands flocked to the banks of Charles River to watch humble me, perched upon said bank, eat a delicious square of ricotta. 


Having drawn such a crowd, I felt obligated, as the least measure of thanks to these fans from far and wide, to produce a detailed review of this rendition of the so-nicknamed “head of cheese” (HOC for short).



Area High School Senior Devastated College Acceptance LinkedIn Post Only Got Single Like

Refreshing his LinkedIn page for the four hundred thirty-second time that evening, area high school senior Oliver Wright sighed with disappointment at seeing zero new responses to the post he made about his college acceptances.

“I don’t understand how my post only got 1 like,” he said. “No one loved, supported, or even green clapped to celebrate. I am devastated. How could my 500+ connections neither care about my major life achievement nor the adversity I faced getting there?” 

You Think You Feel Sad? This Dad Lost His Favorite Shoe Horn.

Area Dad Filbert Jennings lost his favourite shoehorn in a tragic accident just this Monday. About the beloved shoehorn, Mr. Jennings said, “Yes, it was a tragic accident, Vanessa, because it was an accident, and I am very sad about it.” The shoehorn was reportedly in his hand, and then allegedly, no longer in his hand. A self-identified witness to the scene A. Shiu Horne reportedly told Filbert, “I love you, but if you love me, you have to let me go.” However, Horne is now in witness protection and could not be reached for comment on the validity of this statement.

Group Chat Name Changed to Inside Joke You’re Not a Part Of

On October 20th, what was at first a simple problem set group chat quickly became something much more intimate and involved, but you were never ready for this. What was first called “Problem Set Buds” was changed to “Steven’s Extra Nipple.” You don’t even know who Steven is.

Felipe from the group chat alleges: “No I’m pretty sure you were there too at that thing we invited you to…right?”

You weren’t, according to eyewitnesses, who were there.