and entering


Weekend at Feinstein's

Vacation Island, BM – Diane Feinstein (D-CA), believed-to-be-recently-deceased senator and all-around party animal, has been discovered hosting a shindig at her mansion on Vacation Island in a shocking turn of events. This news follows reports that Feinstein died Friday morning.


Democrats Outlaw Heterosexual Marriages

WASHINGTON, D.C. -  To address the anti-LGBTQ+ bills in state legislatures around the country, Democrats in Congress have proposed the Sanctity In Marriage and Planetary Science (SIMPS) Act– a bill that seeks to outlaw heterosexual marriages.

Uh Oh! Taylor Swift Nervously Reads Lyrics on Google Doc Backstage

CHICAGO, IL – “Goddammit, why did I have to write so many words?”

During the intermission of her 174th show in her highly anticipated The Eras Tour, Taylor Swift scurries backstage to review the lyrics of her many songs.

Scottsdale, Arizona Changes Name to Scü‡zđæłé After Realizing that Rich Idiots Are 700% More Likely To Visit Locales With Weird Spellings

Scü‡zđæłé, AZLast Tuesday, the Scottsdale Chamber of Commerce made a shock

Reliving Our Parents’ Divorce - Team Joshua, Team Olivia, or Team Get Mommy and Daddy Back Together?

In light of the release of Season 3 of the Disney+ hit television series, High School Musical the Musical The Series (Not to be confused with High School Musical (2006) or High School Musical The Musical (2007)), pre-teens around the globe are being forced to relive a traumatic moment in their lives, the break up of costars Olivia Rodrigo and Joshua Bassett. 

“How’re We Gonna Make More People, Then?!”: U.S. Baby Formula Shortage Alarms Scientists

A bald man wearing a white coat, gloves, and goggles is standing in a dark lab and holding up a glowing green erlenmeyer flask

CAMBRIDGE, MA – As the United States continues to grapple with a shortage of baby formula, a team of the nation’s top scientists are racking their brains to identify an alternative means of creating new children.

“If we don’t have the baby formula, how are we supposed to make new babies? That others in the scientific community aren’t raising the alarm over this formula shortage is almost as shocking as the shortage itself,” said Robert Grohmann, director of the MIT Synthetic Biology Center. 

Sexualizing Women and Removing Dress Codes: the Secret to Keeping Our Boys in School

pioneer girl in blue bonnet and frilly dress writes on a slate tablet with chalk

WASHINGTON, D.C. – At a press conference yesterday, the District of Columbia Public School system announced a plan to remove controversial, misogynistic school dress codes in an attempt to improve the district’s dismal graduation rates. The intended impact of the decision? To make school more enjoyable for boys. 

BREAKING: Senator Joe Manchin Makes First Ever Friends

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- With a razor-thin Democratic majority in the United States Senate, West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin is ready for his close-up. After years of being disliked by his colleagues on both sides of the aisle, Manchin is a real Capitol Hill Cinderella story ("A Capitol Hill Cinderella Story" is also the working title for Lin Manuel Miranda’s "January 6th, the Musical").

New Government Order Strips All Married Men of their Bachelor’s Degrees


WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Joseph Epstein’s Wall Street Journal op-ed questioning Dr. Jill Biden’s credentials, “Is There a Doctor in the White House? Not if You Need an MD'' is causing a paradigmatic shift in higher education. In a new statement issued yesterday, the United States Department of Education announced that all degree-awarding institutions must review the current status of all alumni and revoke degrees from those who no longer fit the title of their degree, or else risk losing their status as an accredited university.

How to Lower COVID-19 Case Counts

anthony fauci

This list is compiled from the crumpled pieces of paper found in Dr. Anthony Fauci’s wastebasket.

How to lower case counts in the US:

- Vaccine for COVID

- Vaccine for anti-vaxxers (Note: Bleach no longer on sale)

- Test less

- Test more, but actually fix the situation

- Call it "covid" instead of "COVID"

Unlearn to Count   Nevada beat us to it

- 20 to 30 minutes of moderate cardiovascular exercise, 3 times a week

- One apple a day (Note: May impede health care workers)