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U.S.

New Government Order Strips All Married Men of their Bachelor’s Degrees

graduation

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Joseph Epstein’s Wall Street Journal op-ed questioning Dr. Jill Biden’s credentials, “Is There a Doctor in the White House? Not if You Need an MD'' is causing a paradigmatic shift in higher education. In a new statement issued yesterday, the United States Department of Education announced that all degree-awarding institutions must review the current status of all alumni and revoke degrees from those who no longer fit the title of their degree, or else risk losing their status as an accredited university.

How to Lower COVID-19 Case Counts

anthony fauci

This list is compiled from the crumpled pieces of paper found in Dr. Anthony Fauci’s wastebasket.

How to lower case counts in the US:

- Vaccine for COVID

- Vaccine for anti-vaxxers (Note: Bleach no longer on sale)

- Test less

- Test more, but actually fix the situation

- Call it "covid" instead of "COVID"

Unlearn to Count   Nevada beat us to it

- 20 to 30 minutes of moderate cardiovascular exercise, 3 times a week

- One apple a day (Note: May impede health care workers)

Local Store Jeff’s Fertilizer Emporium Boards Up Windows

store boarded up with plywood

KENNETT SQUARE, PA — All across the country, stores from Saks Fifth Avenue to Sweetgreen are preparing in advance for citizens to take to the streets after the historic 2020 election. Local store owner Dicky “Jeff” Martin surprised everybody on Tuesday morning when he, too, was spotted boarding up his windows. Jeff is betting that his store, the local Fertilizer Emporium, of which he is the third-generation owner, is going to be one of the prime targets.  

Tennis Officials Oppose “Packing the Courts”

St. Petersburg, FL—After many prominent voices volleyed around the idea of ‘packing the courts,’ top officials from the World Tennis Association came out with an official statement to limit attendance at matches to 9 spectators.

In an open press release, the Director of Communications Smith stated “our mission is to spread the love. But we can only do that if we serve our greater communities.”

Red Sox Push Forward With “One Player at a Time” Championship Strategy

BOSTON – Following Tuesday night’s World Series victory for Mookie Betts, the Boston Red Sox are 1/25th of the way to their goal of having each player from their 2019 opening day roster win it all. “The easiest way would have obviously been to just win last year,” said CEO Sam Kennedy, “but after that didn’t work out we decided to take it one-by-one, starting with Mookie.”

Why I'm Voting (A B-List Celebrity Told Me to On Instagram)

I wasn’t planning to vote. Too much of a hassle, you know? Much easier to sit back, relax, and binge all ten episodes of Netflix’s steaming pile of hot garbage known as Emily in Paris (but it's, like, good hot garbage). A few nights ago, while scrolling on Instagram while hate-watching the show, I came across a post from its very star, Lily Collins.

(What a crazy coincidence that as I’m watching her show her post pops up on my feed. It’s purely a coincidence, though. Netflix would never sell my data to Instagram or anything. That would be so mean.)

Head & Shoulders Releases “479-in-1 Shampoo," Includes Rocket Fuel, Conditioner

An array of shampoo bottles.
CINCINNATI, OH — Now featured on Amazon Prime Pantry, Head & Shoulders recently rolled out the acclaimed next generation of their two-in-one hair product: The “Four-Hundred-and-Seventy-Nine in One” Shampoo, advertised as “literally all you will need. Ever.” First and foremost, this multi-purpose chemical cocktail includes everything one might expect, including tear-free shampoo, body wash, toothpaste, mouthwash, acne cream, vegetable oil, lighter fluid, water, hydroxychloroquine, a Starbucks Frappucino®, and conditioner.

FDA Approves VaxVax, the Vaccine Against Vaccines

SILVER SPRING, MD – The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has just announced that pharmaceutical giant Bayer’s new drug, VaxVax, has been approved for public release in 2020. VaxVax, known generically as Vaccineauxmore, has gained attention through advertisements declaring it “the only true protection against vaccines.”

YouTube Lets You Edit Your Recommended Videos to Help You Forget You’re Wasting Your Life on the Internet

watching videos

San Bruno, CA – Last week, YouTube released a new update that allows users to customize their “Recommended Videos” list after studies reported that 99% of people felt ‘crippling low self-esteem’ and ‘deep feelings of shame’ when they saw content like ‘Top 10 Fights Bachelor’ in their recommended videos, despite watching Bachelor clips for 5 hours straight beforehand.

White House: The President Was Being Sarcastic About Eating Tide Pods

trump eating tide pods

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a statement issued last week by White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, the Trump Administration clarified that the President never actually told Americans to eat Tide pods, only that it was, “you know, like, a thing that you could think about doing.”

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