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U.S.

Red Sox Push Forward With “One Player at a Time” Championship Strategy

BOSTON – Following Tuesday night’s World Series victory for Mookie Betts, the Boston Red Sox are 1/25th of the way to their goal of having each player from their 2019 opening day roster win it all. “The easiest way would have obviously been to just win last year,” said CEO Sam Kennedy, “but after that didn’t work out we decided to take it one-by-one, starting with Mookie.”

Why I'm Voting (A B-List Celebrity Told Me to On Instagram)

I wasn’t planning to vote. Too much of a hassle, you know? Much easier to sit back, relax, and binge all ten episodes of Netflix’s steaming pile of hot garbage known as Emily in Paris (but it's, like, good hot garbage). A few nights ago, while scrolling on Instagram while hate-watching the show, I came across a post from its very star, Lily Collins.

(What a crazy coincidence that as I’m watching her show her post pops up on my feed. It’s purely a coincidence, though. Netflix would never sell my data to Instagram or anything. That would be so mean.)

Head & Shoulders Releases “479-in-1 Shampoo," Includes Rocket Fuel, Conditioner

An array of shampoo bottles.
CINCINNATI, OH — Now featured on Amazon Prime Pantry, Head & Shoulders recently rolled out the acclaimed next generation of their two-in-one hair product: The “Four-Hundred-and-Seventy-Nine in One” Shampoo, advertised as “literally all you will need. Ever.” First and foremost, this multi-purpose chemical cocktail includes everything one might expect, including tear-free shampoo, body wash, toothpaste, mouthwash, acne cream, vegetable oil, lighter fluid, water, hydroxychloroquine, a Starbucks Frappucino®, and conditioner.

FDA Approves VaxVax, the Vaccine Against Vaccines

SILVER SPRING, MD – The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has just announced that pharmaceutical giant Bayer’s new drug, VaxVax, has been approved for public release in 2020. VaxVax, known generically as Vaccineauxmore, has gained attention through advertisements declaring it “the only true protection against vaccines.”

YouTube Lets You Edit Your Recommended Videos to Help You Forget You’re Wasting Your Life on the Internet

watching videos

San Bruno, CA – Last week, YouTube released a new update that allows users to customize their “Recommended Videos” list after studies reported that 99% of people felt ‘crippling low self-esteem’ and ‘deep feelings of shame’ when they saw content like ‘Top 10 Fights Bachelor’ in their recommended videos, despite watching Bachelor clips for 5 hours straight beforehand.

White House: The President Was Being Sarcastic About Eating Tide Pods

trump eating tide pods

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a statement issued last week by White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, the Trump Administration clarified that the President never actually told Americans to eat Tide pods, only that it was, “you know, like, a thing that you could think about doing.”

Hot Quarantine Dos and Don’ts from an Expert!

By Boo Radley

In the last few weeks I’ve noticed a lot of articles giving advice on how to pass the time in quarantine, and as someone who’s been practicing social distancing since before the Spanish Flu, I’d like to weigh in with some advice of my own. If you remember anything from your eighth grade English unit on To Kill a Mockingbird, you’ll know you can trust me. I’ve spent decades in quarantine without going crazy (or any crazier than I was when they locked me up), and Animal Crossing didn’t even exist then.

I Am the Hero America Needs During Coronavirus

Rob Gronkowski
by Drew Rosenhaus, Rob Gronkowki's Agent

 
‘Sup, homies? My name is Drew Rosenhaus, but you can call me the GOAT of NFL Agents. You’ve probably heard by now that Rob Gronkowski, my prized cattle–uh, I mean client–is coming out of retirement and joining Tom Brady in Tampa Bay. And all I have to say to that is, you're welcome, America.

New CDC Study Finds that Coronavirus Steals Your Identity, Seduces Your Wife, then Frames You for Murder

A leather-jacketed coronavirus stands with your wife.

Chicago, IL – There continue to be new developments regarding the highly infectious novel virus, COVID-19. At first, it was said to be transmitted through person-to-person contact. Then it was found that coronavirus can survive on surfaces for several days. A Harvard study then concluded that the disease can cause patients to lose their sense of smell and taste. It was later reported that coronavirus can travel 13 feet in the air – twice as far as the social distancing guidelines – and even transmit through shoes.

Karma Isn’t Real and That’s Why I’m Living For-Fucking-Ever

By: Henry Kissinger

Hey, you. Yeah, you, over there, with your ‘morals’ and ‘ethical qualms.’ I know you’re looking at me and thinking wow, how is that asshole still kicking? How does he look THAT good at the tender age of 96? There’s a simple answer: I’m going to live forever, and it’s because karma isn’t real. Yeah, sure, there are more obvious reasons: I’m rich, napalm is an exfoliant, the lifeblood of Southeast Asian children courses through my veins.

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