and entering

Democrats Outlaw Heterosexual Marriages

WASHINGTON, D.C. -  To address the anti-LGBTQ+ bills in state legislatures around the country, Democrats in Congress have proposed the Sanctity In Marriage and Planetary Science (SIMPS) Act– a bill that seeks to outlaw heterosexual marriages.

Congressman Jamie Raskin (D-MD) says, “Conservatives policymakers have made clear that sex and reproduction are controlled by the government. If Republicans can restrict homosexual marriages, we can ban heterosexual marriages. We are fighting fire with fire.”

Senator Ed Markey (D-MA) states that such an order aims to compensate for the shortcomings of the Green New Deal. “Queer couples are disproportionately vegan and vegetarian. If we encourage homosexual marriages, America’s meat intake will decrease dramatically. It’s a win for the planet!”

Brandy Emerson, director of the Human Rights Organization, states that the bill feels counterintuitive: “I know we’ve been fighting for gay marriage for decades, so I’m not complaining, BUT if Democrats want ‘love to win’, shouldn’t people be able to marry whoever they want? Doesn’t this counteract —-” Emerson's statement was cut short, as a Pride parade trampled through his office blasting Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" through the speaker system. 

Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) opposes the bill. Cruz states that not only is gay marriage against his faith, but the SIMPS Act will hurt the economy, as gay couples have fewer divorces, and therefore, will diminish the need for divorce lawyers. 

Raskin was quick to remind Cruz that if he vehemently opposes gay sex, then he should be all in favor of gay marriage, as it is common knowledge that there is no sex after marriage. Additionally, Raskin also cited that the economic harm Cruz fears from the SIMPS will be offset by the increase in purchases of Dr Martens.


Although the bill has gathered widespread support within the Democratic party, the bill is already considered to be dead, as Democrats cannot pass any of their campaign promises.

© 2023