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Help: The Only Bandersnatch Ending I Can Get Is the One where Stefan Looks Straight into the Camera and Tells Me He’s Gonna Fuck My Mom

"I'm gonna fuck your mum"

Look, Black Mirror’s new “Bandersnatch” release has been all anyone’s been talking about nowadays. But there must be something wrong with my Netflix account, because every time I play it I get the same ending: Stefan suddenly turns from his computer and looks me dead in the eyes before saying “I’m gonna fuck your mum.” 

The first time it happened, I thought, huh, that’s a disappointing ending. I mean, it didn’t even tell me how many stars the video game got. But then when it let me go back and play other options, it happened again. And again. I can now say that it has happened 16 times. And even worse, since the game remembers your previous results, Stefan gets slightly more adamant every time he does it. On the seventh ending, he started gesturing to imply he was humping my mom. On the the most recent ending, he held up a polaroid of my mom from last New Years and rubbed it against his left nipple. 

I figured I must not be the only one having this issue, so I looked at what other people were saying about their endings online. But I didn’t recognize any of it. People keep talking about having to bury a body, but the only thing the game asked me to bury were some pumpkin seeds that aren’t even going to sprout until next fall. When Stefan asks for a sign, I can only give him the cowboy emoji. Every time I make a bad decision, Colin smugly turns to Stefan and says his signature phrase: “I am not stepping in that.” And instead of letting me go back in time to let Stefan die with his mom, I have to go back in time so that Stefan can be the 1,000th customer at his local McDonalds and win a free McFlurry.

And, worst of all, instead of being left with the feelings of “existential dread” and “utter lack of free will” that everyone is complaining about, all that I’m left with is the knowledge that a neurotic British teenager will soon be having intercourse with my mother, along with an irrational fear of a mean raccoon-like man named Sneego who was featured prominently in the storyline.

The only moment of relief was during the last play when it let me try to open Stefan’s dad’s safe. I really thought I was getting somewhere. But when I typed in the passcode “MOM” it unlocked to reveal a travel-size container of Vaseline, a dental dam, and vinyl record of Careless Whisper.

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