and entering

Hipster Wizard Creates Spells You’ve Never Heard Of

LONDON -- It’s not a big deal or anything, but yesterday, wizard Perseus M. Higgle discovered this great little charm that you’ve definitely never heard of. According to Higgle, the spell, which must not be named, requires only a lazy wave of the hand. Onlookers, however, report that it might be harder than it looks, and Macy K. Limbum “definitely saw his hornrims mist up a little bit.”

“It’s pretty cool, I guess,” said Higgle. “I’m definitely the first to discover it, and I just hope not too many people find out that it’s a thing. I mean, if I see other people start using it at Burning Man, I’ll definitely have to find something different. I just hope I run into that damn Alistair and he tries to tell me that he’s ‘totally friends with the guy who started the spell.’”  

 So far, Higgle has mainly used the spell, which can make anything skinnier, for personal use—jeans, ties, even vanilla lattes. However, there is the possibility that the same magic could be slightly modified to solve the national obesity crisis, an idea that concerns Higgle. “If we just magic obesity away, how will we get people to start seriously considering veganism?” he asked, drawing his plaid robes tighter around him. “How can we really get the raw food movement going?”

 Upon hearing about Higgle’s achievements, Albus P.W.B. Dumbledore, forefather of ironic facial hair, said, “I’ve definitely known about that spell for over a year—I can’ believe that the oddballs and nitwits have already found out about it. I bet young Perseus doesn’t even realize that there’s a whole second spell. 

© 2012