Giant Lincoln, who has pretended to be an emotionless statue since 1922, has expressed “immense gratitude” for the chance to be alone for “five, ten minutes, tops” as the government was shut down.

The 50 foot tall Lincoln, who hasn’t been able to spend a night or day by himself in almost 100 years, had been extremely sexually frustrated as “it just wouldn’t be right to do it in front of the security guards.  And that giant legislative dome just staring me in the face.”

Added Lincoln: “What?  It totally looks like a boob.  I’ve been sitting here without WiFi for decades!  And the women just keep getting fatter and more tattooed down there!”

Tourists have noticed some telltale signs that the Lincoln might be getting a little impatient waiting for everybody to leave the room, including a plaque stating: “In a larger sense I can not consecrate – I mean masturbate – not on this hallowed ground.  And definitely not with you people here.”

The National Park Service has not commented on the presence of a limp five-foot long marble sock, found behind the Memorial’s chair.

When reached for comment, giant Lincoln added: “No, hang on, I’ll be out in a minute, just give m—NO, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.”