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New iPhone App Supplies GPS for Life Choices

SILICON VALLEY, CA -- Amid the flurry of applications being released everyday on Apple's iPhone, developers have been stretching their imaginations to satisfy consumers.

"This phone's infinitely capable. We all know that. It could baste a turkey, given the right situation. Presumably Thanksgiving or some other festive holiday," Steve Jobs informed the tech community in a press release earlier this week. "We figured we've already given you GPS for your car, but that assumes you know where you want to go. Now we're doing you one better. We're telling you where you want to go" -- he then paused dramatically in the press release, before adding, "in life."

Local loser Joe Swindel was one of the few selected for the beta phase of the app. ""I sort of drifted around for a long time, and that gave me an unsettled feeling in the stomach. Oh, I'm being literal. I went to the maritime academy and I get seasick fast. They called me Cadet Pukesy. Because I vomited a lot, you see."

The application has changed his life, though. "I got the app. I answered a few simple questions, and it gave me my answer. Law school. Maritime law, here I come!"

While providing some sort of direction to users, the reliability of the app's advice has come under fire as of late. An Apple insider tipped off SatireV writers, "We just tell all those suckers to go to law school. Isn't that what everybody does anyway?"

Jobs has refused to comment on this allegation as of yet, with the most recent activity on his twitter coming late Saturday night, reading, "Somebody call 911. Shorty's fire burning on the dance floor. Oh-oh. Love that song!" followed by "Why'd I wear a black turtleneck to a blacklight party?"

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