and entering

Researchers Near Cuteness Barrier

Puppies have long been instrumental in scientists' attempts to break the cuteness barrier.

Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider announced last Thursday that they have made groundbreaking strides in their attempts to break the cuteness barrier.

"Scientists have long been fascinated by breaking barriers," commented head researcher David Richardson, "and since we have already discovered how to break the sound and awkwardness barriers, the cuteness barrier was the next logical step."

According to Richardson, the cuteness barrier was pushed to its limits during "Experiment 22," which involved a yellow lab puppy named Buddy, an extra-snuggly pillow, and about three million dollars' worth of hypersensitive mirrors.  Buddy was shown his reflection, at which time he attempted to rub noses with his image.  By monitoring the magnetic fields surrounding Buddy, scientists estimated the total cuteness output at over 100,000 honey-bunnies (or 273,550 metric treacle-rabbits).

While the successful demonstration that the cuteness barrier is within reach has sent shock waves throughout the scientific community, not all reactions have been positive.   The experiment has come under fire from various scientists, including several who fear that proper safety measures were not taken.

"These concerns are not unfounded," claims Leo Grokofsky, a preeminent Russian theorist in the field. 

Grokofsky added, "Cuteness criticality, or 'a devastating chain-reaction of cuteness' is a real threat, and not one to be taken lightly, as the effects can be catastrophic and wide-reaching."

Grokofsky was likely referring to Three Mile Panda, the widely publicized cuteness meltdown that occurred over three decades ago.   The meltdown, which resulted in dozens of cuteness-related deaths and injuries, has become the rallying cry of scientists who are concerned that more safety restrictions, such as mandatory separation of babies and kittens, are needed to ensure the continuation of safe cuteness experimentation.

Richardson, when asked about the concerns regarding cuteness-criticality safety, assured reporters that there was never any danger to either the researchers or the public. "The situation was under control, and everyone was wearing lead-plated Snuggies.  We were also fully prepared to shoot Buddy in the event that the cuteness-levels ever became dangerous."

Richardson added, with a knowing smile, "This experiment has opened up a new world of cuteness." Preparations are already underway at the LHC for Experiment 23, which will involve using the particle accelerator to smash two ducklings together at near light speed.

© 2011