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Should You Tell Your Crush You Like Him, or Should You Stick Your Head in a Dune Until the Ocean Water Calcifies You?

Afraid to tell your crush how you feel? Consider sticking your head in a dune.

We’ve all been there: You have a crush on a guy. He’s cute and funny, and you think you’d be great together. But he isn’t making the first move. What’s a girl to do?

On the one hand, you could have a honest, respectful conversation with him. You could say, “Hey! I’m into you, and I’m wondering if you’d like to have dinner with me.” Your frankness just might open the lines of communication between you and your crush.

On the other hand, you could stick your head in a dune for several centuries until the briny ocean water calcifies you. What a tough call!

Both of these options could pay off. If you summon the courage to tell your crush you like him, he might tell you he feels the same way, and you could forge a meaningful relationship together.

But if you bury your head under a natural formation of sand for such a long stretch of time that your bones become tiny shards of glass, you never have to experience the brutal sting of rejection, and your remnants might end up in a sandcastle one day. How cool would it be if the clump of matter that was once your liver gets beaten down by the ocean until it provides fleeting entertainment for a vacationing child in Atlantic City?

These options might backfire, though: If you confess your feelings to your crush, he could tell you he’s not interested, and things could get weird between you.

But if you insert your body into a beachside hill until the incessant assault of the sea sweeps away your lifeless corpse, you will definitely die a painfully prolonged death, and you’ll never get to learn how The Mindy Project ends. You’d hate to miss that. You got a Hulu account for that show.

The choice is yours, girl. Don’t miss out on a nice guy because you were too afraid to try, but if you chicken out, you can always hurl yourself headfirst into a sandy bank for millennia to ensure that the salty waves grind your human flesh into miniscule slivers of grain.

© 2017