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Top 5 Reasons Why Your Relationship Isn’t Escalating

"He's probably not thinking about bullet trains right now. Crap."

As cuffing season approaches, it can be difficult to assess where your relationship stands. If you want any chance at love, make sure to avoid these 5 common pitfalls.

1. You’re not rick-rolling him enough. When he asks you for your top ten songs, don’t send him carefully curated songs like ‘I Want You’ by Marian Hill or ‘Closer to You’ by Clairo. Instead, write these song names into an email, then hyperlink each title to “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley, the champion of our generation. This will tell him that you are never gonna give him up, and boys value stability.

2.You’re not talking about high speed trains. We are currently experiencing a generational failure of the U.S to update our infrastructure and allow efficient travel between urban hubs. Failure to acknowledge this travesty can really kill the mood. If things start getting slow on a date, impress your crush with your knowledge of the Shinkansen Bullet Train in Japan, which uses biomimicry of a Kingfisher's beak to achieve an extraordinary speed of 275 mph.

3. He keeps confusing you for his Alexa. AI voices are practically universally female, and he feels comforted by her soothing speech. Now, when he talks to you, he thinks you are an Alexa and asks you what the weather is every morning. This type of small-talk is incredibly detrimental to relationships as it prevents a natural progression towards sharing your deepest darkest fears. Try changing the voice of Alexa, and maybe even Siri, to that of a British man. He should catch on to the difference soon.

4. He prefers final projects but you prefer exams. This kind of division is fairly common in relationships amongst millennials today, but there are ways past it! While you are busy studying the night away, he is off collaborating with his project mates until 4 in the morning doing ethnographic research at the local disco. The solution is to take a swing dancing class together, so that he gets really, really into it and then you can study in the ballroom while he expertly twirls his groupmate Fred around. Classical music is essential for sharpening focus and memory retention, and you’ll ace that exam.

5. You like too many of his Groupme messages. If you keep liking boring, purely declarative messages like ‘I’m heading over’ and ‘Ok.’, he’s going to think he has it in the bag. Play hard to get a little, and only like his Groupme messages that necessitate a response. For example: “Hey I really think we should take a break, I have a lot on my plate right now. Would that be ok?” Give it a good heart react and you two will soon be standing side by side on the escalator to Life Long Love™ in Minnesota’s Mall of America.

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