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Undiscovered Street Marketing Genius Definitely Going to be Famous

When I first sat down to interview Ziggy Crabtree, I was in total fangirl mode. Many are heralding Mr. Crabtree’s genius and somewhat unconventional combinations of random nouns as the real future of product development. Ideas such as: “cats, but with cell phones” are making industry leaders feverish with the idea of such innovation.

Mr. Crabtree’s apartment was much like any other apartment on the Upper East Side, except without the money part. It was very cozy, and maybe without a roof, and with more people walking on its interestingly paved floors than you might normally find. Nonetheless you could smell the fame from this iconoclast of innovation. Crabtree’s marketing fame spawns from such genius product ideas as “she-wolves, but with boots” and “shoes, but with trampolines in them.” Crabtree’s wave of creativity is not yet the global brand that most experts unanimously agree it is bound to be, especially with things like “Quidditch, but with monkeys” and “coffee, but with swords.”

I did some research on just who the big names that support the production of Crabtree’s products are, and found a variety. Grant, local New York resident and CEO of his own pigeons-as-food company on the corner of 48th and 9th Ave has issued such glowing reviews as “yeah, that doesn’t completely suck.” His personal favorite: “Cancer, but with wings.” Other praise has come from such icons as Asian street vendor Kim Something-something-probably-Nguyen, who was possibly overheard saying “yes, very good, but bok choy?” Ms. Something-something-probably-Nguyen gave Crabtree’s plans, newly including the ideas of “squirrels, but with bras,” and “turtles, only libertarian” a quality rating of 4 out of 5 woks. (Literally, she offered me 4 of her 5 woks in exchange for me buying some bok choy.)

But just how does the master himself come up with these thrillingly nouveau product plans? Critics across the globe are beginning to ask…..or they will soon, I imagine. When I posed this very question to Mr. Crabtree, he responded with a stunningly simple answer. I mostly couldn’t focus because his googly eye was scaring me, but he said something along the lines of, “I just say the first thing in my head, and usually it’s good.” Clearly some people just have a gift. Many of the world’s most famous creators and inventors, such as Prada, Gucci, and George Foreman, probably think this same way, though this is a touchy subject because we can’t prove anything without a lobotomy.

By the end of the interview, I was covered in spit, because Mr. Crabtree has a tooth thing that really needs to be fixed and could I take him to the dentist? Both of us were exhausted from avoiding angry tourists who continually stepped on Crabtree’s humble but maybe elegant furniture- a trash can and a lamppost proudly adorned with his initials written in chalk. But I still had one pressing issue to discuss. Crabtree said he needed to go straighten his beard so make it quick, so I obligingly blurted, “Where do you see your product line in a year?” He said, “Probably with cats.” That said it all. With such obvious plans of grandeur, it’s easy to see why such a genius has waited until now to grace us with his incredible capacity for design and innovation.

Ziggy Crabtree left his house, slamming the nonexistent door and running away from an angry tourist he tripped. Critics worldwide await this phenomenal line of products to come to fruition, mostly because how does a clam with feet even look, and is it safe for children? Obviously brilliance is on the horizon for this bright man, and only time will tell just how far this brilliance reaches.

© 2012