and entering

25% of Student Body "Quits" at Year's End

A Harvard study has found that 25% of Harvard students quit
by year's end. Approximately 1600 students will quit school this year.

"Numbers don't lie," explained head researcher Stephan
Porter. "These quitters have no respect for something that has let them suckle
at the teat of learning for the past four years."

The Harvard study represents a culmination of an effort to
combine decades of student data, with an emphasis on two variables: how many
students are in school, and how many of those students return to school the
following year.  Researchers found roughly a quarter of the school's population
did not return to school, and that these same individuals also dressed in caps
and gowns before dropping out and getting jobs.

Some researchers hypothesize that the students are
following a migratory pattern, much like birds. "Geese fly south. Polar bears
drown under melting ice caps. Perhaps it is not a stretch to suggest that
Harvard students are following a similar biological pattern," said Porter.

The researcher's theory has predicted with near exactitude
the number of students quitting each year since Harvard's founding, over 300
years ago.

© 2009