Cambridge, MA - Sources report that it was a tough week for Aaron M. Schwartz '21, who—after two midterms, one gluten allergy reaction, and zero Tinder matches—booked a music practice room as his venue for a quick emotional breakdown. While Schwartz normally favors a speedy shower scream or a silent tear at Lamont, after the week he’s had, those avenues simply weren’t going to cut it.

Anna P. Daninger '21 recalls seeing Schwartz hurry through the Yard. “He was clearly distraught," she said. "His Pennypacker shirt was on backward, he had a large piece of what looked to be a Ranger cookie in his hair, and I could hear Augustana’s 'Boston' blasting out of his headphones. He definitely seemed like he had an important place to be."

In reality, however, the only thing Schwartz was rushing off to do was buy Puffs Plus Lotion and settle in for an intense thirty minutes in the Matthews basement. Matthews residents report hearing what could have only be compared to the sound of Luke Skywalker finding out Darth Vader was his father. Sources close to Schwartz clarified that the ruckus was not Schwartz tickling the ivories but instead having a good sob.

Schwartz valiantly attempted to throw passersby off his trail by playing a jangly version of “Chopsticks” whenever he heard footsteps outside.

Martha A. Wu '21, who had secured the timeslot after Schwartz to practice the cello, recalls the carnage left in the Schwartz’s wake. “When I entered the practice room, I thought for sure someone must have mistaken the space for a private movie theater and just watched the scene where they put Marley down in Marley and Me like twelve times. The floor was covered in crumpled tissues and someone had scrawled the chorus to Miranda Lambert’s 'The House That Built Me' on the wall next to the door.”