SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Area Friend Remembers that You, Too, Have Finals

two girls sitting in a dorm room
Tighter than ABBA post-reunion!
In what has been heralded as exemplary maintenance of an interpersonal relationship, area friend Veronica S. Ware '19 recently realized that you, her best friend and roommate, are also experiencing exams period right now.
 
This moment, in which Ware dipped her toe into the realms of “compassion” and “empathy," arrived after you walked into the room at 2:34 a.m. with your backpack on a Saturday night. Ware asked what you had been up to, and you replied, "Working."
 
The four-second pause that followed confirmed that Ware’s brain realized—for what might have been the first time in recorded history—that you, too, have finals. You have spent hours sitting in the library, holding BorrowDirect books, looking at them with your eyeballs, and pressing your pens into your college-ruled flattened tree-sheets in order to complete your final papers and exams…just like Ware has.

Ware’s inquiry into your life was the first of its kind. This past week, she shared constant updates and reminders about her impending deadlines while you ate your lunches, but she never asked about yours. She repeatedly expressed her irritation at the fullness of her supposed-to-be empty reading week as she regaled you with details of her calendar: mandatory review sessions, extracurricular elections, office hours, darties, and historic ArtsFirst Silent Discos. 
 
Ware has explained to you all about her own work habits: When the sun is out, she's really not motivated to do work in the library, so she works outside, but then it’s so distracting. She's in a fine position with her leftover BoardPlus to get coffee and is also feeling excited about ABBA’s new music.
 
You also have a couple BoardPlus dollars left to spend, which feels pretty good, but Ware has already moved the conversation onto the next thing in her life.

Ware’s realization that you also have finals is sure to go down in history. It will be just like the first time that she watched you experience heartache, the time she watched you break down under the stress of public presentations, that time she watched you contemplate your future after not getting an internship, and also that time when you spilled hot water on yourself in the dhall and a little bit got onto on her. That was when she first realized you—like her—could feel pain. 

Despite all this, the bond between you and your best friend has never been stronger than this moment. ABBA will be getting back together, and the new music will bring all the future citizens and astonishingly self-centered citizen leaders together to a virtuous whole.
© 2018
Category: