Tragedy struck campus Friday afternoon when peanut allergy-sufferer Perry Fox ’21 learned the true meaning of No Nut November shortly after asphyxiating in the cafeteria. 

 

“I thought this month was a movement for abstaining from public distribution of nuts and legumes in food,” he explained while brushing over the hive scars on his arms. However, his naive belief about the holiday being a noble dedication to people like him was soon shattered at the dessert table.

 

 “Yeah, maybe I should have identified the label ‘Chunky Peanut Butter Brownie Blast // CONTAINS: peanuts’ as a red flag, but I’m a trusting guy. I see now that maybe that’s my weakness—along with my hypersensitive immune system, of course.” Fox looked solemnly into the distance and shivered before adding, “Bottom line, I was fucking wrong. When I tell you that shit destroyed me.”

 

Other students nearby during the incident report watching him get stabbed in the thigh and asking an onlooker, between violent wheezes, why the dining hall didn’t celebrate No Nut November. This was when he was told the truth of the holiday. 

 

Upon learning the proper observance of NNN, Fox said his initial thought was, “Not only could I still go into anaphylactic shock, but now I couldn’t jack off for four weeks? This was like the time I found out I had to share a hotel room with my little sister during my family’s summer vacation to Cancun." 

 

Additionally, his roommate, Arty Chambers, said that as a competitive guy, Fox was utterly dejected upon realizing that he had already failed the mission of the month twelve times—the date being November 2nd.

 

It appears his traumatic episode caused a lasting confusion about the different contextual meanings of nut. Chambers reported receiving a message saying, “Hey, bro, did I leave my Epi-Penis in the room?” 

 

Fox closed his interview by saying, “This is going to be a long 28 days of not playing with my peanuts.”

 

 

Image Credit: VideoBlocks