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Area Senior’s Life Back on Track after Realizing Thesis Can Be Crap

Man smiling at computer
Stark enthusiastically called his mom with the news that he was wasting a valuable education opportunity but hell it was worth it.

On Tuesday, area senior Tyler Stark reportedly regained control of the burning dumpster fire that had until then been his life after coming to the realization that his thesis doesn’t actually need to be good. This revelation came as a pleasant surprise to sources close to Stark, who say he has spent recent months slaving away over the project.

Stark agreed, saying, “I was really agonizing over this thing. Like, ‘Oh, I need to get HCRP funding, oh, my interview subjects won’t return my calls, oh, I haven’t eaten or slept in three days trying to finish my first chapter and my advisor just sent me an email clearly meant for someone else that said, ‘LMAO my advisee is a lil shit.’”

According to Stark, the epiphany that his thesis could be utter crap and it truly would not matter hit him in the line at Lamont Cafe.

“I was scrolling through Instagram and I saw a picture of my buddy, Nick, who graduated last year,” Stark said. “Nick’s got a good job and he wrote a thesis, but I read a few pages and it was basically unintelligible.”

Upon reflection, Stark realized that with no intent to publish and a general indifference towards graduating with honors, he had little reason to turn in anything beyond an 80-page jargon-filled turd, which, he noted, “will look just as good in the picture on the Widener steps.”

Sources say Stark seems upbeat and lively since his recent moment of clarity, and is taking better care of himself and making more time for hobbies other than bitching about word count requirements.

“It’s great that Tyler isn’t stressing about his thesis,” his friend Alexa told reporters. “And I’m much happier now that I don’t have to hear about it every fucking second.”  

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