and entering

Area Student has Strict Bedtime of “I Don’t Give a Shit” O’Clock

Man sleeping in bed
What 20 page paper?

CAMBRIDGE, MA-After rigorous enforcement of the virtual sleep-training, administered by Harvard to teach undergraduates about the sleep they already knew they were missing, Raymond Lambert ’20 has decided to set a strict bedtime of “I Don’t Give a Shit” o’clock. A Harvard College Scholar, joint history and anthropology concentrator, as well as an accomplished violinist, Lambert claims this new bedtime is the secret to his success.

“You feel so much more, like, alive when you go to bed whenever you stop giving a shit,” he said in an interview outside of Lamont, expressing proudly that he no longer entered the library for late-night study, calling it an “orange fluorescent prison.”

He said he set his bedtime according to his schedule, finding that if he went to bed exactly at “I Don’t Give a Shit” o’clock sharp, he woke up feeling more refreshed and ready for the day.

“I tried ten, then eleven,” he told me, “but none of them seemed to work. But then I discovered that if I went to bed at the exact moment when Tolstoy’s acclaimed novel Anna Karenina became less interesting than the loud and angry break-up happening in the study nook in Dunster fourth floor west and when my work, in fact my very existence, seemed futile in the face of the vast expanse of time and space, I would fall asleep immediately and wake up a new man.”

He even says that he enforces this bedtime in light of pending due dates and looming final exams. He simply emails professors asking for an extension.

“There’s a formula to it: Dear Professor, I will be needing an extension for this paper, since I was not able to finish it. My health is very important to me, and I have a very strict bedtime. Unfortunately, I was mid-sentence when my apathy and disinterest hit, and I had to cease immediately. Best, Raymond.”

Lambert does not recommend this strategy for everyone. “Some people give too many shits, in which case they would never sleep. So you really have to figure out what works best for you and figure out exactly how many shits you really give.”


© 2018