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Armed Robbery at Barker Café False Alarm; Actually Just TDM Thesis

The audience waits with bated breath

Cambridge, MA- Recent police reports have now announced that the attempted armed robbery at Barker café was actually just senior Andrew Woodsworth’s Theater, Dance & Media (TDM) thesis. The senior had been planning the final installment to his provocative performance art thesis for the past year: a scene in which Woodsworth bursts unannounced into Barker and stage an elaborate armed robbery.

Woodsworth explained that his stunt was an “experimental dramatic piece, on par with Shakespeare’s Macbeth, designed to instill fear in the audience.” One patron of the café had a near heart attack during the performance. As she was wheeled into an ambulance, she shared her review of the piece: “I thought it was impossible, but I was more scared than when the Cats actors walked down the aisles hissing.” 

Woodsworth’s thesis advisor, Dr. Starks, mentioned that she was very concerned about the piece prior to the performance. She said, “When Andrew came to me with his idea, I did not know this was how it would play out. I mean, all the jokes bombed so hard! ‘Put the dough in the bag, and I’m not talking about the croissants?’ That line is gold, and Andrew couldn’t even make it land." Although Starks was hesitant, she was confident that with sufficient practice Woodsworth would deliver the comedic dance performance in a way that reassured the audience that it was all theater, while still providing an extensive critique on the role of capitalism, contracted labor, and the motif of blood in Macbeth.

Dr. Starks has recently overseen other TDM theses including a flash mob rendition of the Winthrop controversy, and a serenade of Lil Dicky’s “We Love The Earth” in front of Larry Bacow’s private residence. However, no thesis compared to the uproar that Woodsworth’s performance caused this afternoon.

As Woodsworth was put into handcuffs he explained, “I think it went really well. Everyone really bought it, especially once I took out my gun.” When the police read Woodsworth his rights, he commended the officer on his improvisation. “Whoever this guy is, I’m telling you, he’s a great actor. I didn’t even write him into my play! Look, he actually brought props, too!” Woodsworth said referencing the taser pressed against his ribs. 

Soon after, Woodsworth bowed and was ushered into a police car. It was later reported that he received an A- on the thesis, and will be selling tickets for a revival performance at the Bank of America when he is released from jail.

© 2019