- Cambridge, MA

For weeks now, handfuls of students have wondered: Why is the flag above the John Harvard  public urinal so big? Well, a new study has revealed that our alma mater’s father may have been “well endowed” in more ways than one.

“Everyone knows about the three lies, but no one talks about the one Truth: Harvard was hung,” remarked Larry Bacow, President of Harvard, at a press conference last night, “Therefore, the flag behind him should have similar proportions to John’s Righteous Puritan Willy: being some 4x longer and 1.74x wider than standard.”

 “It’s important to honor our history as an institution bearing the name of this absolute Donkey Dong,” said John C. Dadi, head boy of Crimson Key Tours, “Like Harvard, we stand at full-mast all day, every day.”

Richard Czeck Kerr, Professor Emeritus of Sizemattersology, informed reporters that, while the flag has adjusted to contemporary expectations of length and girth over time (and to keep our flag larger than John Princeton and John Yale’s)—the flag’s measurements were certified as historically accurate by the “top men and, uh… some rather powerful bottoms too” in the field today.

Some student groups are upset with the flags’ phallic double meaning— but Harvard President Larry Bacow Bacow assures us all they really hate is America

Early last morning, Harvard Crimson reporters photographed Pres. Bacow frantically changing all the crests back to the rediscovered, original Harvard motto: “Veritas pro Christo et Ecclesia et My Schlong”.