and entering

Charming British Freshman Actually Just An Asshole

"The Harvard undergraduate is of a free and open nature,/That thinks men honest that but seem to be so,/ And will as tenderly be led by th'nose/ As asses are. STEP IN TIME!"

Even though he only arrived in Cambridge a few weeks ago; British freshman Alistair Collingsworth-Cripps is adored almost universally by the Harvard community. His charming smile, dashing wit, and delightful English accent have endeared him to men and women alike. But as enchanting as he may seem, some believe Alistair’s charming British exterior hides a terrible secret.

Behind those ill-cared-for teeth lies a tongue, says fellow freshman Phillip King, which is not so important as what lies behind it: the soul of a "total asshole".

King, who claims to have been Alistair’s FIP roommate, says that it was not an easy thing to realize.

"When I first met him, I was charmed by his easy smile and the amusing stories he told in that damnably adorable English accent," King recalls. "In fact, he doesn’t have to say anything particularly clever to be greeted with smiles and laughter. I realized this when I was recounting one of my favorite tales of his to my girlfriend back home."

King thought that she would be enchanted, as most people in Cambridge had been, by the story of a pair of mismatched socks at an important job interview. But he soon found out that was not to be the case.

"When she failed to smile encouragingly at the appropriate points, or to laugh at the story's heretofore-believed-to-be-rousing conclusion, I thought I must have left something out, like maybe the part where Alistair said, 'Oh dear, my socks are at complete odds with my knickers!'" he says, confusion still evident on his face. "I told it again, being sure to hit all the details, but she still seemed completely un-titillated by the anecdote."

The tale is just one of many anecdotes the British-accented youth is in the habit of telling his acquaintances.

"I tried another story of his, to my roommates, of Alistair separating the whites and the colors in his laundry, and I was met with a blank stare, similar to the ones I get when I say something especially boring," King recalls, gesturing in the air with his hands, as if trying to find the ingredient that he missed which makes Alistair’s stories so amusing. "That was when it really began to dawn on me that he never really says anything genuinely amusing.”

King had stumbled upon an incredible revelation: without his British accent, Collingsworth-Cripps would be "just another jerk".

"The next time I saw him, I imagined him saying the same things without a British accent, and I found everything he said to be utterly insipid," King remembers. "I finally realized then that although everyone seems to think of him as the all-around incredible guy, sometimes he can be a massive douchebag."

King cited several examples of Collingsworth-Cripps acting inconsiderately, such as when he stole a friend's date at the First Chance Dance, or any of the numerous times he has talked about people, who, for some obscure reason, have earned his disfavor, or even "that time he broke my computer by pouring a bottle of Jack Daniels on it.”

"Before, when he would explain his reasons for these things, his accent and British cheer seemed to make everything okay," King says. "'Sorry, mate!' he'd say, or, 'Don't get your knickers in a twist, now!' We'd all laugh and say, 'Oh, Alistair, you rascal!' even after that time where he killed my friend Sandy's hamster by setting it in the tailpipe of his friend’s car."

But now, King says that now he is able to see past these previously charming tendencies, he has realized that Alistair contributes "absolutely nothing to the world around him, save his glorious accent."

"Whether Alistair was born an asshole, or became one when he moved here and realized that people would be helplessly charmed no matter what, he still holds a power no one should have," King says with a certain grim tone of voice. "I have tried to tell other people, but of course, no one will believe me."

Phillip looks around in fear. "In fact, I believe he could even get away with murder. Maybe it would be a homeless person, maybe an archenemy. But maybe - just maybe - it will be someone who was no longer fooled by his charming British exterior."

© 2013