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Dean Pfister Tormented by Evil Spirits

Above:The alleged form taken by the spirit when angry.

On October 31, Donald Pfister, Dean of the College and star of the hit Broadway musical Little Shop of Horrors, reported several spooky events occurring in his Harvard Office.

“Oh yeah, sure, there’s lots of creepy things going on,” said the Asa Gray Professor of Systematic Botany.  “Do you want some candy before I get started?  Maybe a Tootsie Roll or something?”

In an exclusive interview with Satire V, Pfister revealed that the eerie events began a few weeks ago, soon after he went on a ghost tour of Harvard Square and learned of all the sinister things that have occurred at the university.  For instance, he explained, sometimes lights turn on of their own accord, and at other times disembodied singing is heard from behind closed doors.  These events were compounded by the inexplicable displacement of certain objects in his office, such as paperweights and staplers. 

“There’s no other explanation.  Frankly, I believe that Harvard harbors some pretty angry spirits,” said the administrator, suddenly turning grim.  “I don’t expect you to believe me—I don’t expect anyone to believe me—but one day, you’ll have to face the facts.  There will be bloodshed, I warrant, before this is over.  The spirits are not happy.  Not happy at all.”

Pfister, greeting Satire V in a pumpkin-shaped woolen sweater with an offer of hot apple cider, added that he had been arming himself for several days with the most potent types of herbs to protect him from the malicious supernatural elements surrounding him.  He also had a gun, but for different reasons.

Satire V has been unable to reach Harvard President Drew Gilpin Faust for comment on the occurrences, but her office assures the publication that she will be available for an interview as soon as she returns from her coven.

© 2013