and entering

Displaced Winthrop Rats to be Employed at New Winthrop Grille

Rats in the kitchen
Reportedly, the new Winthrop Grille will specialize in both Mozz sticks and fine French Cuisine.
CAMBRIDGE, MA – As the newly renovated Winthrop House prepares to open its brand-new Winthrop Grille and Cafe, the House announced that rats displaced by Winthrop's renovation will be staffing it.
The Displaced Rodents Re-Employment Initiative, a new program spearheaded by Resident Dean Linda Chavers, seeks to employ the rats and retrain them in the culinary arts.
In an email sent to Winthrop students, Chavers wrote, “Supporting members of our community is unquestionably our number one priority. We are so excited about the state-of-the-art kitchens and grill services that our students will have access to, and what better way to leverage them than by reintegrating some of our most prized community members – who happen to be common brown rats."
News of the program was well received by Winthropians. House Committee Chair, Felicia Hettlebaum ’18, commented, “Rats were so central to the Winthrop experience. In old Winthrop we could only assume that rats were scampering around the kitchen, so it's great to see them serving up Mozz sticks out in the open!"
Hank, a rat set to benefit from the program, is excited about the possibility of getting back on his feet and supporting his family. “Pumpkin and the kids have had a tough time living day-to-day off of scraps we were sometimes lucky to find," said Hank. "It’s nice to have a sense of dignity knowing that security is within reach. Also, I love scaring the living hell out of students when they see me making cheese fries."
Crimson food critic Bérnard LeBernàrd wrote up a dazzling advance review of the new Winthrop Grille. "My hamburger was simply magnifique. Like Proust's madeleine, I was instantly reminded of my childhood. It is such a shame that, when I ventured to the Grille's kitchen to pay my compliments to the chefs, nobody was there!"
At press time, threats of unionization forced Grille managers to bring in strikebreaking rats displaced from the Lowell renovation.

© 2017