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Exhausted and Confused Student Finally Completes “1000 Shabbat: One Man, 1000 Shabbats”

"Oof — one man can only fress so much" (Numbers 13:22)

After eating his 1000th challah, blessing his 1000th cup of wine, and lighting his 2000th candle, David Schneiderman finally completed 1000 consecutive Shabbats, each one held directly after the other.

In what has turned out to be a simple mix-up-switcheroo, Schneiderman mistook the banner for annual thousand-person campus event “Shabbat 1000” to read “1000 Shabbat.” As Schneiderman explained, this led him to believe the name implied the tagline “One man, 1000 Shabbats.”

“I did think it was a weird idea for an event, but I’m just trying to fit in here at Harvard College,” said Schneiderman, “And I couldn’t use my phone to text anyone for clarification because it was Shabbat.”

Schneiderman missed all of his problem sets and exams for the past two semesters. He did receive an A+ in Hebrew Bible, as he spent the last 9000 hours reading from the Torah between bowls of matzah ball soup.

Schneiderman’s roommates filed a missing person report, which has finally been resolved after the 12-month search. Not one person noticed Schneiderman during the year spent repeatedly conducting Shabbat services, due to his decision to do so in the Leverett G-Hutch, a location where not one other student has ever been.

Schneiderman’s mother did not want to comment on the story, but she did separately want to say, “My Davey is going to law school and would be a perfect husband for any young lady any Jewish young lady, please contact my landline with inquiries.”

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