and entering

Exposé: Blue Bottle Coffee Does Not Have Any Blue Bottles

a blue bottle
A blue bottle, notably NOT at Blue Bottle.

HARVARD SQUARE- The Harvard community was reportedly shocked to learn that—contrary to its name's implication—the newest Harvard Square establishment, Blue Bottle Coffee, does not have any actual blue bottles.

When interviewed, workers at the Plympton Street café did not attempt to hide the flagrant false advertising. “Oh yeah, I guess I’ve never thought about it,” said barista Harriet P. Flannigan.

Despite the severity of misleading a record number of patrons in its first few weeks of operation, Flannigan did not appear penitent. When asked how she felt about failing to provide blue-tinted glass or plastic containers with elongated necks and flared rims, Flannigan replied, “Flared what?”

Extensive testing revealed that the object nearest to being a blue bottle was in fact an aquamarine carafe. While not unlike a blue bottle, this vessel is objectively different in both morphology and in purpose from the object in the Blue Bottle logo.

Initial market testing demonstrated the type of container had no effect on the customer satisfaction of caffeine-deprived students.

How otherwise bright students thirsty for coffee served in containers of a specific hue and shape were swindled by Blue Bottle employees remains unsolved. “I must have been too sleepy to notice,” said student Mary L. Xiang '19. “It would have been a cool gimmick, though.”

© 2018