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Faust Discovers Harvard Has Undergraduate Program

"Did you know Harvard has an Education School, too? Isn’t that amazing?"

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Appearing troubled and downright confused with her discovery, President of Harvard University Drew G. Faust reportedly pulled her assistants aside in panic Tuesday morning to question them about a supposed "undergraduate program" affiliated with Harvard University.

After being berated by Crimson reporters while on her morning jog, Faust was pressured to respond to students’ concerns over the "abysmal dining hall food" and the increased frequency of power outages affecting Harvard College. A visibly unsettled Faust paused for several minutes before sprinting off to ask her aides for assistance.

"If I'm being entirely frank, I’d never heard of the term 'Harvard College' before today,” Faust later told reporters. “I understand my job to be dedicated to a graduate school. I really don't believe you'll find any undergraduates affiliated with our university."

Additionally, one anonymous source described a recent troubling incident in which Faust was supposed to attend a meeting at the FDO, but was unable to locate the building on Google Maps. Faust was said to have been typing into her phone and looking flustered. “F-Faust... department of… no… Faust dean’s office… no, that’s not right,” she was seen muttering before nervously asking a passerby for directions.

At press time, Faust was seen finalizing plans to cut her subordinates healthcare as a punitive measure for keeping her uninformed.

© 2017