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Final Club Members Finally Learn What Exclusion Feels Like

The Owl Club, where members awoke this morning thinking that today was going to be significantly better than it turned out to be.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—After University President Drew Gilpin Faust announced today that future members of unrecognized single-gender social organizations would be ineligible for sports team and student organization leadership positions, as well as postgraduate fellowships requiring a College endorsement, final club members suddenly realized what exclusion feels like.

“Huh,” said Owl Club member Richard I. Wadsworth ’17, scratching his head. “That’s odd. I’ve never experienced anything like this before.”

Other members repeated feeling “nauseous” and “seasick, like I sometimes feel when I’m on my dad's yacht.”

“Are you telling me that women and minorities have to feel this all the time! That sucks—I can’t imagine how horrible that must be,” said Elliott E. Larsen ’16 of the Fly Club, surprising nobody. “It is a very unpleasant sensation. Do poor people feel this too? Ugh, that’s terrible."

The sudden wave of new emotions arrives after Dean of the College Rakesh Khurana and President Faust released a document noting College resources and recognition should be given “in a way that is consonant with its core value of non-discrimination and of fostering a diverse community.” After reading the announcement, final club members were seen staggering down Massachusetts Avenue, holding their heads and squinting at the sky, but not from Quaaludes this time. 

Other members are experiencing what some experts have called “empathy.” 

“One time I was in this restaurant in the City after this kind of low-key gala event, and we ordered this foie gras that we had heard was absolutely to die for,” explained James K. Lipscomb ’17, a member of the Porcellian Club. “And then the maître d’ came back and told us that they were out of the dish. But I could see another waiter coming out and serving foie gras to another table! We decided to confront the maître d’ again, and he explained that it was a vegetarian pâté made for the patron’s 50th anniversary, yet I didn’t believe him. It was a very similar sensation compared with what I’m feeling now.”


© 2016