and entering

Final Clubs Change Name of "Punch" to "Stroke"

Above: Two senior members embody spirit of the stroke.

In an effort to make the joining process for prospective members less threatening, the  eight presidents of Harvard’s final clubs met this week and determined to change the name of the process from “punching” to “stroking”. 

“We just felt really, really bad about ourselves after a while,” said Porcellian Club President and heir to the Ikea dynasty Horatius van Hollingbrook.  “I mean, what does it say about us as leaders if our system is defined by words that imply violence and intimidation, like punch?  The best way to fix this and make people feel more welcome is to change the name altogether.” 

A letter posted on the Crimson’s website elaborated on the new changes.  “From now on, we shall not have punch-masters.  We shall have stroke-masters.  Neophytes shall not be called punches, but rather strokes.  Instead of punch events, there shall be stroke sessions.”

Students have expressed enthusiasm for the new terminology.  Across campus, sophomore males have been asking each other whether they’ve been stroked, which clubs stroked them, and what stroke is like.  Nearly all the responses have been positive.

“At first I thought it was a weird sexual thing that they were making us do, but as it turns out they just want to be my friend,” said Ben McGuinness, heir to both the McDonalds and Guinness dynasties and a stroke for the Fox, the Owl, and the Delphic.*  “I feel much less intimidated.  I think they really like me!”

Secretary of the Administrative Board John “Jay” Ellison, who visited the Owl last week and met many “nice ladies from BU”,  has already observed many of the changes taking place in the final club scene.  “Back in the day, everything was so, like, you know?  But now, it’s just like, peaceful.  Like strokes everywhere, playing on their guitars and singing The Lumineers while their stroke master provides emotional support.  It’s really chill.  Really chill.”  Nodding to himself, he adds, “Also, if you’ve seen my coat, I left it at the Owl over the weekend.”


*For the Delphic, stroke is a weird sexual thing.

© 2013