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Five Students Who Absolutely *Need* Grades This Semester

If we don't get grades how will we experience joy?!??

Harvard College announced a shift to Emergency SAT/UNSAT grading amidst tumultuous debate and arguments both for and against the policy. With valid arguments on both sides of the issue, Harvard *said* they took students’ concerns into account. But they clearly excluded the narratives of these five very real students, who absolutely need grades.

    • Jake needs grades to maybe apply to medical school in several years. In fact, he was thinking of it for a couple of weeks after he played Operation that one time. Medical schools are not going to make exceptions because of this global pandemic.  
    • Sharon is a unicorn who NEEDS grades to maintain her Unicorn status or the Horned Steed Julius will take away her magic powers before she fulfills her destiny as the Great Kind Unicorn Heroine and saves all the trolls in the land.
    • The year is 2050. The earth has adopted grades as currency. Eddie has a 3.82 GPA but must get a 3.83 in order to purchase broccoli, which he needs for his elaborate dinner party this Thursday. Also, his girlfriend says he needs to get more iron and their relationship is on the rocks because of stuff which we will not get into right now.
    • Lauren is being held at gunpoint. Her would-be murderer is an Expos preceptor who thinks Lauren won’t give her peers the editing they deserve unless she’s getting real grades. Lauren could literally die unless this changes to opt-in.
    • Tim is just a fucking prick.

Jake, the Great Kind Unicorn Heroine Sharon, Eddie, and Tim NEED grades and are totally not made up at all. We can’t locate Lauren at this time.



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