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Football Team Accused of Plagiarizing Star Running Back

Despite the allegations, the football team continues to get its usual fan turnout.

CAMBRIDGE, MA--In a shocking twist to Harvard University’s ongoing plagiarism scandal, the Harvard Crimson football team was arraigned of plagiarizing their star running back on Thursday. The formal accusation came from NCAA officials after months of complaints from Macalester College. The small Minnesotan college claims that Harvard has been knowingly using a pound-for-pound copy of Macalester’s starting running back, Jerrick Isaiah Smith, throughout the season. The NCAA rules board had called the claims “sixth-grade-level bullshit” before a DNA test of the two players showed identical genes.

The football team is alleged to have discreetly taken DNA samples from Smith’s hair, urine, and feces over a period of six months and then used that DNA to build an identical version of the running back.

Macalester coach Mike Herder expressed relief at the eventual recognition of his accusations. “It’s fundamentally unfair, when it comes down to ethics,” the coach remarked. “We’ve worked long and hard to get this player for our team, and it’s despicable for Harvard to lift him directly and copy/paste him into their lineup. Despicable."

“We knew they had plagiarized, clear as day,” Herder added. “Five-foot-ten running back, a hundred and ninety-five pounds? You kidding me? Don’t even get me started on race. They made the copy so easy to spot.”

Crimson football has yet to issue a statement on the matter, but it faces the possible negation of the five wins it has earned so far in the 2012 season. The infraction is unprecedented in the sport, however, and punishments have not been established.

“The NCAA,” a statement issued by NCAA president Mark Emmert read, “is taking every factor of this issue into account while we evaluate the situation. The NCAA will do everything in its power to turn this negative situation into a positive. We’ll probably just fine them; their endowment can take it.”

© 2012