CAMBRIDGE, MA -– The desirability of river houses compared to the Quad is widely recognized by Harvard students within weeks of beginning freshman year. However, despite overwhelming evidence of the Quad’s inferiority, recent investigations have found that it is possible for a delusional mindset to set in following Housing Day; some students, such as newly-minted Pforzheimer resident Eliza Elliott ’19, actually believe they are pleased to be there.

An envoy met with Elliott in her new dining hall, where she was quick to point out, “I can sit anywhere I like… ANYWHERE.” When asked why she was happy to be living in such a Siberian environment, Elliott claimed, “It’s peaceful, less hectic, and therefore more relaxing,” while running desperately for the closing doors of the Quad-Yard Express. After the bus pulled away just as she arrived, Elliott appeared to breathe deeply, before an irrationally wide smile spread across her face. “Actually, the walk really allows you to have some time to yourself,” she said as she turned and began to trudge forlornly towards her 7 pm section.

Elliott was last seen passing the “beautiful” Garden St. necropolis and remarking on how fortunate she was to have such an interesting cultural landmark so conveniently located along her route.