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Freshman Murdered After Telling Pretentious Gap Year Stories for the 826th Goddamn Time

Victim Marcus Grey, looking particularly pretentious, during his gap year in Spain.

Freshman David Humphreys has turned himself in to HUPD after confessing to the brutal murder of his roommate, Marcus Grey. Under interrogation Humphreys revealed that he had been pushed to insanity by Grey's constant repetition of the same five or six stories from his gap year in Spain.

"I just couldn't take it anymore.  I begged him not to retell the story about the magical sunrise he saw over the vineyards of Andalucia.  He just wouldn't listen."

Other students also cited examples of the sort of behavior that eventually caused Humphreys to murder Grey. "It only got worse when he was drunk." recalls Kate Meiers '14. "All he ever did was bitch about American beer and continually remind me that in Spain, the legal drinking age is fetus." Anyone who has attended a party with Grey remembers his incessant recounting of the time he "got soooo wasted in Barcelona and totally yakked up a plate of paella on Las Ramblas."

Late night excursions to Felipes became a living nightmare.  According to Humphreys, Grey took issue with the "low Spanish" of the largely Salvadorian kitchen staff who knew him affectionately as "pendejo borracho". Tensions came to a head on Super Bowl Sunday while the pair was watching the event in their dorm which Grey had festooned with prints of paintings by Goya and Dali. "I could have forgiven the tapas spread, but I'll never forget what he said next." remembers Humphreys. "He turned, looked me in the face, and said 'Futbol Americano is a fine sport, but I prefer the graceful artistry and subtlety of the bull fight.'"

At this point, Humphreys claims to have blacked out, waking up several hours later to find Grey's torso suspended from the ceiling fan by his small intestine and his severed, eyeless head in the recycling bin.

"I don't know what came over me," admits Humphreys. "I extend my sincerest apology to Marcus's family and an even sincerer apology to Dorm Crew, because that mess is going to be an absolute bitch to clean up."

President Drew Faust has asked Humphreys to take some time off to re-evaluate his life before returning to Harvard next fall.

© 2012