and entering

Freshman Shuts Down Nonprofit He Founded To Get Into Harvard In Record Time

Nothing to see here
Wow! This Young Entrepreneur Wants to Help—oh wait nevermind he's just some asshole.

Reports surfaced on Thursday that Alex R. Watson ’20 has shut down the 501(c)(3) organization that he founded to get into Harvard. Kids Tackling Chlamydia, which Watson begrudgingly started as a last-ditch resume-saver in December 2015, will no longer offer the STD prevention classes to underprivileged preschoolers in Slovakia that it supposedly used to offer. 

“I’m proud of the work we accomplished,” Watson told the press. “We raised $10,000 thanks to generous grants. We mobilized dozens of American teens to lead seminars in Slovakian classrooms. Most importantly, we brought our innovative anti-STD programming to hundreds of kids in need across Slovakia.”

Watson paused. “Oh, wait,” he said. “I totally forgot that I already got into Harvard. Whoops. Haha. Yeah, um, my dad donated $100, and I sent some postcards to a preschool in the next town over that said ‘Don’t get Chlamydia.’ Then I played Mario Kart.”

Watson wanted to shut down Kids Tackling Chlamydia in March 2016, right after he received his Harvard acceptance. But his mother Karen kept paying the GoDaddy bills to keep the organization’s website online until April 2017, well into Watson’s first year at Harvard.

“We don’t want them to think you’re not genuine, sweetie,” she told him. “Repeat after me: ‘Prioritizing Slovakian kids’ sexual health is my life’s work.’ Good. Say it again, and sit up a little straighter this time.”

At press time, Watson was calling his local newspaper’s one-man editorial staff, asking him to take down the 2015 article in which Watson proclaimed, “Kids Tackling Chlamydia is my passion. I intend to grow this organization throughout my college years and beyond.”

© 2017