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Freshman Survey Part V

How Freshmen Pleasure Themselves

Upon receiving an anonymous tip, Satire V staff donned cutting-edge disguise technology to infiltrate the Crimson and find the real scoop. The Crimson does not wish you to see this information, but we at Satire V believe in freedom of information. These are the freshmen. These are their stories.


Despite 90% of incoming freshmen identifying as strictly heterosexual, a surprising 53% of heterosexual males also said they looked at the penis picture that was impossible to scroll past on the survey. It would then appear that 53% of our freshmen heterosexual males are also into penises and not heterosexual. Said one of the freshman upon being asked about this apparent fascination with images of male genitalia, “You couldn’t look away…I mean, it was directly between two questions. What else was I supposed to do?” Clearly this freshman has some homosexual attractions if he’s willing to continue a survey if it means looking at dick pics. Thus the Crimson’s depiction of sexuality amongst the class of 2017 is inaccurate, and was shamefully hidden from the public. Satire V statisticians estimate, that, rounding up, 100% of the freshmen on campus this year are gay.

The Crimson also collected data on sexual activity of the class of 2017, but even this seemingly dichotomous question about virginity doesn’t reveal the whole truth. A sad, sad, paltry 35% of freshmen fessed up to having had sex before coming to college, but the questions were slightly more intrusive than that. Of those who have had sex, the Crimson decided not to share that a staggering 91% have involved rubber chickens in some capacity in their sexual activity. 46% reported still feeling weird about dildos but using them anyway. The other 54% were unsure as to what a dildo was. 72% of sexually active freshmen reported that the partner they lost their virginity to was, indeed, their Harvard interviewer.

Data was also collected among the sexually inactive freshmen, mostly determine how the hell they pleasured themselves without the help of another person ever. 49.8% responded that they watch porn daily, and that they were watching porn in another tab while completing the survey. 31.6% reported listening to NPR podcasts as a form of intense arousal. 13.9% were active members of the porn industry, some having been in over 5 films. And 4.7% did not know what porn was.

Stay tuned friends, for the next shocking reveal of what the Crimson has been keeping from us.

© 2013