and entering

Give Us An Enormous Tailgating Space For Harvard-Yale, Or Give Us Death!

Harvard stadium
Asphalt is no replacement for such Glorious Grass

By the Crimson Editorial Board

The University has, with its bare and monstrous hands, ripped and torn sinew by sinew the very heart of the Harvard-Yale football game out from its precious and gentle chest cavity. Yes, we lament, it is true. The Game will be an utterly joyless wreck, totally ruined. A bus, they say, we will need to travel to this sorry excuse for an event? Bright eyed and bushy tailgaters, whose crime was none more than seeking a little fun, will instead suffer the whips, scorns and chains of socializing in a mildly cramped Parking Lot. Our dreams of a Spacious and Green tailgating space have been wrested from our hands by the Administration. Even if one undertakes the Treacherous journey to Fenway, one may be prevented from communing with their loyal friends on such a Joyous day. Dead crows will surely fall from the skies as thousands of students simultaneously cry out in agony under the crushing burden of Assigned Seating.

But that is not the end of these grievances, for we have already Suffered. No, the University has summoned the force of the Law to augment the suffering of our masses, who nobly seek to exercise the truth of the Free Market by profiting from the sale of those resources (we speak of Tickets) earned with their toil and patience in the lines of the Centers of Smith and Murr. What is their reward for this virtue? Tyranny from the gold-starred staff of that ancient Despot, the Office of Academic Integrity and Student Conduct, who dares to prevent our Sales via the precious House List.

Forget not, too-patient subjects, the torturous trek, those levels of GroupMe coordination that would befuddle great Archimedes, that we students undertook to acquire Tickets. Walked you not until the days blurred into nights and into days again, your destination only as far off as the sun and moon themselves, across this River, mighty and wide? Had you not fancied yourself the commander of an army in skillfully mobilizing your many friends to reach the Murr Center at precisely the same time? What poor design, nay, what malevolent design, is this?

And lo, do other issues remain injurious to students of this University and deserve our anger? Sure, we say, but this is the chiefest among all. The University may take many things, but, so long as we may rouse our compatriots in opposition, so long as the breath of vigor effuses from our lungs, they will never take our right to get super wasted before going to a football game within walking distance with an easy and fair ticket-claiming process.

© 2018