and entering

Godzilla “Pretty Bummed” No One Heard His Destruction of Boston Over Lowell Bells

None of this would have happened if I had gotten into Expos 40 this semester

If recent polling data are to be believed, not a single resident of the whole municipality of the Greater Boston Area reports any memory of the landfall of the thousand-foot-walking-nuclear-reactor that is Godzilla this past Sunday, due to not being able to hear a thing, nor process any sensory information whatsoever, over the concrete-permeating, crescendoing fever dream that is the Lowell Bells.

Bystanders were visibly confused as Godzilla trudged through a luckily empty Fenway Park as if it were cardboard, tearing thousands of tons of dirt, seats, and concrete asunder. "DID YOU DROP SOMETHING?" pleaded Red Sox fan Mark Zimmerman to a man in front of him. "HEH?" shouted the second man. 

During a rare lapse in the weekly, vaguely Nutcracker-resembling atonal auditory onslaught, reporters caught a word with Godzilla. “I get that the bells have history, with the St. Danilov Monastery and all, and it’s tradition, but I am also very old — 1.6 billion years — and it’s tradition that I destroy a city for Toho and Legendary Pictures every five years or so,” he said.

“rrrRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH . . . uhyuhhnnnnnnnt,” Godzilla added, struggling to project over the bells resuming in the distance. With each bell ring playing out a note of Fair Harvard, the mountain-sized kaiju shuddered as a shockwave passed over him. A crowd of supporters coached him on with shouts of “You have good things to say, people should be able to hear them!” “Speak from the front of your mouth!”

Hannah Chen, who learned during the citywide evacuation that her Copley Square apartment complex had been lobbed into near atmosphere by perennial Godzilla nemesis King Ghidorah’s tail, expressed sympathy for the benevolent but highly murderous megalizard. “You could really tell Big Green was trying hard to make an entrance, and to think it went unappreciated, especially by the college demographic ... breaks my heart."

"I just want him to see a bit more respect, is all ..." her voice trailed off as the bells reached a harmonic frequency and volume that fractured the Eastern Seaboard away from the rest of the North American tectonic plate. The final "bong" reportedly created a tsunami larger than Godzilla "ever could," according to seismologists; the kaiju was last seen in his pajamas eating a Ben & Jerry's factory.
© 2019