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Going Green: Clover Replaces Paper Napkins with Single Communal Handkerchief

It's said the handkerchief has "Cough, Cough, Pass" embroidered on its underside

CAMBRIDGE, MA –- Last week, in a new initiative to combat climate change, health-food magnate and Clover CEO Jeff Henderson substituted the company’s entire supply of single-use napkins with one handkerchief. “Do you know the number of trees we’re saving?” Henderson poses. “Seriously, how many? I haven’t done the math yet – but I’m sure it’s a lot.” Clover’s “science guy” assured us that it is indeed a lot.

One customer on the scene, who spilled her meatball sub all over her cardigan, reported: “they gave me the five-digit code for a metal safe in the corner with the rag inside. They're guarding it like fucking Fort Knox.” In response to complaints like this, Henderson tweeted “If we lose this handkerchief, the USA will be completely underwater by 2020.” Another customer, according to witnesses, is currently being held in “Napkin Jail” after bringing a pack of Kleenex in her bag. The warden declined to comment.

Even though six customers have contracted influenza from handkerchief use during week one, these individuals are maintaining a positive attitude. To prove it, @CloverOfficial posted the image of one hospitalized customer with an “#ILoveTheEarth” sign on his unconscious body. But no fear, says Henderson. “We wash the cloth every week. But we don’t wanna use too much water, you know, because, saving the environment. And saving on our facilities bill. Don’t write that last part down.”

Yesterday, Clover added “The Handkerchief” as a new add-on for DoorDash orders, starting at $4.99. Anonymous users who decided not to select the new option received a hard copy of the 27-page Wikipedia article on Global Warming in their takeout box.

© 2019