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Grant Approved for Sophomore in Lowell

"You answered 'Complete and Total Bullshit.' Survey says?" Source:

Lowell sophomore Adam Adamson proudly announced the approval of his grant request earlier today. Adamson, who said he’s never felt like this before, also stated that cheating the university of its endowment so that he can watch Family Feud is the best idea he and the world have ever seen.

            The grant request was submitted in early December, with news agencies waiting with baited breath to hear the results. In his personal statement, Adamson wrote of the game show, which he has previously claimed is the funniest thing he’s ever seen, that “It also has a certain avant-garde sort of feel. It really appeals to my transcendental tendencies, and makes me question the validity of its argumentation. Also, aesthetics. Bourgeoisie. Capitalism. Neoliberal feminism. Please give me money.”

            Stunned by Adamson’s articulate request, the Rockefeller Foundation, which was granting him the money, responded with high enthusiasm, saying that no one had ever had such an outright original interpretation of the classic game show. “Who knew that surveys about men’s penises and how scary a gorilla is on a scale of 1-10 could be so enriching? I sure didn’t!” foundation representative reported.

            Adamson is rumored to be in the initial stages of his research, say his roommates. “We haven’t seen him leave his bed in weeks.”

© 2013