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Hands Lost to Dyson Airblade

The violent Airblade is still on the loose, authorities say.

CAMBRIDGE, MA --  HUPD personnel are investigating the sudden removal of two hands belonging to sophomore Steven Quinn of Dunster House following an altercation with a Dyson Airblade last night. According to the authorities, Quinn, who had been attending class in the Science Center, entered the restroom in the building’s basement shortly after 6:00 pm. After using the facilities and washing his hands, he inserted them into the dryer, expecting to feel a moderate flow of warm air. The machine proceeded to blast a sheet of high-speed air molecules directly at Quinn’s exposed wrists, with enough force to not only cut off his hands but also immediately cauterize his wounds.

Other students have met the news with shock and disbelief. “This just isn’t like the Dyson Airblade I know,” claimed Katie Favoir, a regular visitor to the Science Center. “It’s always been so good about efficiently drying hands without slashing them off. I’ve known it for years, I can’t believe it would do something so violent.”

“It was the last thing I expected,” said Quinn. “I’d been having a bad day, and I was looking forward to some nice, dry hands. That always cheers me up.”  Quinn reached for a nearby glass of water, before pausing and withdrawing his right stump with a look of disappointed recognition. “The Dyson’s never done anything like this before, and I wasn’t prepared at all. I don’t know whether I’ll be able to trust another machine again,” he added, giving up an attempt to scratch the back of his head with an audible sigh.

The other Dyson Airblades in the bathroom have thus far refused to comment on the situation.

© 2012